I am frostbitten - pipTalk Forums

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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2002-05-27 02:05 AM

I am frostbitten

and the thought of you
is a warm shower
gently pelting my feet,
hands, abdomen.

You are sharp,
a here-and-there sensation
pungent on my skin
and my extremities are blushing.

My hair is damp with steam
and I’m lowering
my face into the stream-
my lips, nose, eyelids
are wet, my
fingertips still numb
but I am opening in the heat

like a tulip overripe
after April fades away.

There is no bathtub
built to contain this-
I am laughing and there is
hot water
spilling into my mouth
down my chin
and the fiberglass won’t stand much more

of this insistent joy,
the radiation
and sheer velocity of longing
and satisfaction-

I imagine you,
my fingers imitate yours in
lines, shapes, swirls
hungry tracing up and down,
down down down
my body, up my spine,
permeating my scalp.

The minutes are ticking away
and I want you here
time is slipping,
sluicing down my legs.
The day is waiting for me to

towel myself dry
and step out onto the linoleum,
into cold dry air
and rough clothing.

"deeper is life than lose: higher than have
-but beauty is more each than living's all"
-E.E. Cummings

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-05-28 12:20 PM

You do have a knack for taking ordinary things and forming them into extraordinary images. This one is no exception. I found the visions you gave to be quite interesting and sensuous. But it felt like there was maybe a little too much, maybe almost repetitive although it was not, of course. I can't see anything specifically that I would cut but it is just an impression of sorts.

I did find bathtub, fiberglass and linoleum a little jarring. Maybe they are just too ordinary to fit with the emotions of the rest of the poem. JMHO though.

Thanks for sharing,
Pete

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

2 posted 2002-05-29 02:07 AM

This was a great poem visually and kinetically. I think that it might be a bit stronger if you rearanged some of the stanzas. Maybe put the part about waiting for him to come after the extremities are blushing. Or the bathtub before the steam.
You of course don't have to do any of that if you don't want to, just a suggestion. Line wise I can't see nything that jumps out as wrong except for the word fiberglass, which like Not a Poet I too found jarring.
Hope that helps some.
s.w.

Why is it that in silence the mind screams?

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2002-05-30 07:10 PM

Pete said:

"You do have a knack for taking ordinary things and forming them into extraordinary images."

--That's THE definition of poetry in some circles. Don't know how it gets any better than that, don't you know.

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