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Critical Analysis #2
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No Name River
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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No Name River |
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freehode New Member
since 2003-09-29
Posts 9 |
No Name River Rivers have no name in space We mark them with the unmasked pulsars Mother, can you hold my hand now? On a journey to the unknown star Supply me with matchsticks A bright burn to distract from the sting Of the upcoming words when I enter The meteor showers Our way to curb the fading Our way to curve the failing Is the river naming How do I reach a common coda to the tribulation? How do I know when I come to the station of orbits? How do I know when to return to Earth? The general lays him arms down slow That cosmic chase was quite a stir His soldier won’t disarm just yet They still face the that ultimate task The sides fight to give the river a title On the ever lively new frontier Unknown lands cause unknown fear I don’t see anything but a loss The lieutenant lines up his cannons and horsemen How do we know who even achieves victory? I can’t tell what’s more wet, the water splash Or the blood shed on my shoulder As the last soldier raises his eyes to survey The guilt usurps his soul, the tears flow free “We are triumphant!” shouts the general We can rule this terrain in any way fit So, my good soldier, what the name be? With a heavy sigh, the lieutenant averts the general’s eyes “We won nothing, so we name it nothing” I have only tracked my boots through the mud To fight on an idea I don’t even want to participate No name can do, so I leave that to you “Oh, it needs no name. The soldiers named it for you and I.” |
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| © Copyright 2003 freehode - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
i loved your poem. correct me if i'm wrong, are you making reference to a battle in your poem? if so, i loved the way you used it. if not, forgive me for having misinterpreted it, i greatly enjoyed your work either way. keep writing, please. i look forward to your future works. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
First off, this looks like it should be two poems instead of one. I just can't make the transition from the cosmos to the battle. Pete |
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freehode New Member
since 2003-09-29
Posts 9 |
I guess I should have clarified that the first part is a metaphor for the second part, while the second part is more literal. I understand the transition is atrocious. I shall work on a more appropriate segue. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
A segue should be the least of your worries. It won’t make up for the conflicting metaphors. This seems a superfluous, rambling attempt at melding a comic book super hero with Gettysburg. But, If you need to explain it, it just isn’t working. The idea that they’d be worrying about what to name the river isn’t as exciting in my mind as it must seem in yours. It fails to captivate my interest. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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