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Critical Analysis #2
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Dedicated to my Heart
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Dedicated to my Heart |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
This poem is dedicated to my heart, and the powers that made it be. I'm not out to offend the positive, only the girl who lied to me. My life was plagued with many days, such as the one in which my old heart was killed. I made a change for the better, because my new heart is strong willed. I maintain this thought, as sure as the blood of a madman flows through my veins. I shall erase your memory, an never again will it drive me insane. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jorge Vega - All Rights Reserved | |||
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
kadafi09 - I like the title and first line. But does the second line mean that your dedicating it to you heart (you) and God? Some of the word choices in here I dont think work very well, such as "offend the positive". I was also confused by the rhyme scheme. You had it going for a while, then the line "such as the one...." threw off the flow you had. I don't know if you want it to flow, as in a 'sing-songy' rhythm, but you are sort of in the middle now. "I made a change for the better, because my new heart is strong willed." I think this is the weakest line of the poem. I never like using the word 'because' in poems, for some reason. It just sounds to much like your explaining it, when you could just be showing. Anyways... I hope you dont think that all these comments make it bad. Just with some work (and dont just take my opinion), it could be real good. |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
when i said that i dedicated the poem to my heart and the powers that made it be, i was referring to my ex girlfriend as my heart. note the reference to the "old heart" and the "new heart" the "old heart" being my ex, and the "new heart" being my current girlfriend. "the powers that made it be" referred to the love that i had for her that made her my "heart". when i said "i'm not out to offend the positive", i mean that i am not out to offend the positive aspects of my old love for my ex girlfriend. well i hope that explains the method to my madness. concerning the lines you weren't feeling, i kinda agree, those lines didn't flow, but i wrote what i felt at the moment, so that counts for me. about the rhyme scheme, i understand how you feel about having a rhyme scheme in poetry, but i believe that one musn't be restrained by what is accepted as normal rhyme schemes. this art form is here for the free expression of ideas/thoughts/feelings and shouldn't be restrained by pre-conceived notions of rhyme schemes. but i'm still down with having a rhyme scheme, there have been many masterpieces made with traditional rhyme schemes. read some of Tupac Shakur's poetry and then read shakespeare's. you'll see the difference i speak of. by no means i want you to feel as my words say that i don't appreciate your advice, i welcome it. cynicsRus knows what i'm talking about. well, peace. [This message has been edited by kadafi09 (11-21-2003 07:50 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Most readers, as soon as they see the word heart in a poem, immediately think, if only subconsciously, cliche. You have used it twice, old heart and new heart. That's even worse. If you have to say heart and just can't find a suitable substitute then you really have to work hard to make it less common. The line "I'm not out to offend the positive" just makes no sense. We need to know positive what. Don't explain it in a footnote. Give us the meat right up front. As for rhyme, you have some but not all. That can be all right if done well but I don't think you have done well here. Most of your rhymes seem forced to me. Examples: powers that made it be (nonsense) girl who lied to me (cliche too) It is all too obvious that you just needed something to rhyme with me. my old heart was killed my new heart is strong willed Again, it is painfully obvious that you needed something to rhyme with killed. Old heart was killed is pretty bad anyway and new heart is strong willed is even worse. I would rethink both those lines. Probably drop the rhyme altogether so you can say what you really wanted to say in the first place. We know your intent here but you have stated it awkwardly. I like the veins/insane rhyme all right but the veins line just doesn't flow as well as it should. An, beginning the last line, should be and. All things considered, I think you would do this poem a great favor if you abandoned the rhyme entirely. JMHO, Pete |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
sorry that you didn't like it. oh, i am practically in tears. well, not really. anyway, thankyou for your advice. it's very appreciated. p.s. the "an" in the last line was a typo. now you're just looking way to hard for mistakes. its only obvious that i meant "and" [This message has been edited by kadafi09 (11-22-2003 10:59 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I think it’s obvious to everyone but you that Pete didn’t have to look [too] hard for mistakes. You’ve made that very easy in everything you’ve written so far. And he wasted far too much time attempting to give advice to someone who obviously doesn’t care to accept it. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
hey cynic what's with the personal attacks? i've given you nothing but love, you're just attacking me. you're wrong though, i do appreciate his advice, just not yours, since it's always been an attack. [This message has been edited by kadafi09 (11-22-2003 01:07 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
What do you need...smileys? Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
what do you want? war? [This message has been edited by kadafi09 (11-22-2003 01:11 PM).] |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
so, what's it going to be? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
If you can look at my comments and read them as a personal attack, you simply border on illiterate and that's not something I can change. I could include a few smileys, but I'm not into using them on critiques. If you can't take my comments at face value, the problem is with you. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (11-22-2003 01:29 PM).] |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
now you call me illiterate? when will the remarks about my mother begin? you know, at first your critiques were cool, i liked them. but they grew increasingly personal, saying that i can't grasp simple concepts of poetry, saying that i border on illiterate, saying many things. i just think that you don't agree with some of the things i speak about. i've offended you somehow? [This message has been edited by kadafi09 (11-22-2003 01:31 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I rest my case. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
what case? the case you have on me? claiming intelectual superiority over an 18 yr. old college freshman? how old are you? i'm sure you greatly surpass me in experience. i've barely begun my journey, you're at the end of yours. [This message has been edited by kadafi09 (11-22-2003 01:34 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Now who’s getting into personal attacks? If you denigrate my age, you also denigrate many others on this forum—many, much further along than either of us in this craft. You’ve had this same whiney victim mentality since you first began posting here. Why don’t you put it away. Maybe after a few years of college, you’ll actually learn how to spell. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This stop nows. Please take this to email, the both of you, if you wish to continue this argument. Kadafi09 - I will say this to you. You seem to have a small problem accepting the critiques you have been given. This is a critique forum - get used to it, please. K |
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