»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Ever-Bitter Drops of Joy
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Ever-Bitter Drops of Joy |
|
|
VelvetHeroin New Member
since 2003-11-09
Posts 2 |
Stand upon the edge The one tentative breath Wish for what I could be But I am lost, so finally That bus stops with a soft hiss Those lost souls creep off Arriving home to find The life they had sorrowfully left behind They sigh in darkness, ready for sleep The days just seem to waste away I look upon the desolate miles of snow Pray for spring, to come, to rescue me The feverish nights Rush to immeasurable heights 4 tears for the lonely 1 drop of joy is our light Chained to the window Prowl softly the night The sickness that follows The pain we endure In time, the look harshly on the inside Think what time will tell Our chance to be free But ever chained to this fence, ever chained are we. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 VelvetHeroin - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
VelvetHeroin New Member
since 2003-11-09
Posts 2 |
nothing? is it that bad? or that good? (doubt it :P) anyway, any help would be greatly appreciated |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions. CA moves a little slower than some of our other boards. As a student of the old school, the first thing I would offer you is to spell out numbers when they are less than ten. Your first stanza, "Stand upon the edge The one tentative breath Wish for what I could be But I am lost, so finally" put me off immediately. What, or whom is standing on the edge? Does a breath have an edge? Then you go to the first person in your third line, but it sounds as if you are demanding that someone else wish for you. Tell me what it is you are wanting to say, and perhaps we can rework the poem so that it makes sense to the reader. Then we can tackle the remainder of this poem. It's good to have you here. [This message has been edited by Sunshine (11-20-2003 08:26 PM).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As Sunshine said, the first stanza confuses your readers, making it difficult for them to grasp the rest of your content. As for an overall impression, some of your lines are interesting whereas some convey no apparent meaning. Finally, they don't relate to one another well, in fact, hardly at all. I suspect you had some motive in mind but I suggest you pick maybe half the thoughts you have hinted at here and try to elaborate on those. You are simply trying to cover too much ground here in too short a poem. Of course, you could just expand the whole thing but I think a much better approach would be my first suggestion. Of course, this is all just one opinion and it is your poem so take what you like and ignore the rest. JMHO, Pete |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
