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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Untitled |
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Deep_Inside Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377i can't stop hiding |
Under a bridge to hide The real world out there Finding nothing inside Finding comfort nowhere Use of thoughts have been destroyed Nothing contained within Everything is a void Now nothing but a shell of porcelain The skin is hard A fine layer of cracked porcelain Of thoughts since been bared From braking out and pouring sin Reality is being sucked dry From places its never been Reality in no longer a lie With the flaking of this porcelain Thoughts are being sparked Taking the first breath of air With reality never being marked Now as the porcelain begins to tare Reality forged from fear Is life ready to begin? New thoughts begin to cure Now free of his porcelain |
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| © Copyright 2003 Matt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
It appears that you tried so hard to accommodate the rhyme, (which comes off as quite forced btw), that you lost sight of your meter. You need to pick a definite metric foot, to carry this one smoothly along—so to speak. As it is, you have an irregular mixture of Iambic, Dactyl, Trochee, Amphibrach…maybe even a few others, (I lost interest trying to find them) which makes this very difficult to read. You should pick a particular metric pattern and stick with it. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I had less of a problem with the poor meter and more of a problem with the constant repetition of words like porcelein and reality. Also, you might want to check your spelling before you post stuff, it just looks more credible if you actually proofread your work before you ask others to do so as well. The most interesting line, I thought, arose from what I'm pretty sure is a mistake: 'From braking out and pouring sin' You probably meant to use 'breaking' but I personally think the meaning added by using the homophone is neat, an this line had a good rhythm to it. Maybe focus in on creating more lines like this. Hope I've helped. |
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Deep_Inside Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377i can't stop hiding |
thank both of you i like you comments beacus i want to get better thanks agian when you live you begin to die |
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