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Critical Analysis #2
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Morning Breaths
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Morning Breaths |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
Morning Breaths I woke up one morning. With chemicals in my mouth All the reactions had fired All my friends were asleep. Mon mademoiselle Francais; Sabine, still staring? Was telling my eyes How I’d intercepted her life. I woke up and ate her words Instead of breakfast And hungered for ulterior motives For shadows of lust or Selfish Reasons; anything. Anything but true love, my love. Anything but committed devotion. I woke up and breathed regret. All over her too short hair. Exhaling the warmth of my soul Like a bare naked icicle, Fashioned, to the insides of a child’s Frosty palms. Her fingers did dances Over the canyons of my rigidly crafted spine I never knew her so well As in her touch, it resembles nearly A poem that floats. Above the blue sphere of nerves Teases the sea to come out To play. Drawing out the The nerve endings of the tide Through a single flood pipe And into her, through her, She then drips love. Out of the open pores in her arms. Her legs. Her nose freckles. Rubbing with her softest, smoothest cheek, fuzzed up with satisfaction. Against my most callous hand. Breathing coolly down my neck; Promises and entire future come-to's; Sending hills of geese northward, And expectations to the frontline. |
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| © Copyright 2003 ben costen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This is one of those poems that you sort of struggle just to get through the first stanza. Or at least the first few lines. The thing is, once I got through the middle of the stanza I began to see some very interesting things going on that kept me wanting to read. I’m now thinking that you could have probably dropped the first four lines and not lost a thing. I wonder if you’d consider that? In fact, I think you have a better beginning with S2, after which you could insert the interesting image in S1 Ls5-8 S5 is a bit too graphically obvious and therefore, (IMO), not as carefully thought out as the rest. This continues into S6 L4. I have my opinion of what to compare it to, (something having to do with wayward hormones and such), but I’m sure everyone here remembers what resulted from offering such an opinion previously, so I’ll simply suggest polishing the imagery a bit. Then again, the last two lines are quite evocative. You have some problems with the placement of commas; common punctuation, but I’m not as expert in that area as others here. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (11-04-2003 01:05 AM).] |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
personally...i think it is fabulous...i would not change a word...h |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Fabulous? Why? |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
I'm not sure what that last post implied... but i'd much rather have it spelled out for me. :| anyway, thanks for your critiques: 1. i tried taking off the first four lines, and played around with it a bit, but everytime i did, i ended up asking myself, "what is this poem about?" because its a bit confusing without the intro... i also realized that the imagery is overly obvious in that particular stanza, and again i tried doing it differently... but then its not as "arousing"... anyway, thankyou sir. 2. thanks for you compliments... "h..." ? your name i guess. and i'm glad you got to check out my site, this place is awesome, much better than some other poetry forums. peace so what's it going to be then, eh? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
We, the readers will always find something to nit-pick, but in the end, it has to be your poem. You have to make the decision on whether a suggested change works for you. Overall, I thought it was an interesting read anyway. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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