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j0n4th4n
Member

since 2003-03-11

Posts 94

0 posted 2003-10-18 06:44 PM

The city in the early nineties,
melancholy twilight sunlight,
the cars pass in indifference;
enormity and loneliness - press
upon,
'What is this life?'

'Where, where are we?'

The day is ending, and I
feel size, the sad mystery
of the city and all cities,
the concept of cities and anything
else... Everything is deep,
oh so terribly deep, can
we stand it? Light

a match, my brother,
we share plots and breathe
a game; while the immense
dusk is closing we are
cosy-insecure in the arms
of our
light, tiny, tiny, conversations.

'Lost in the universe.'

'What is this life?'

And the city, of the early
nineties, is twinkling.

The nineties, did it exist?

[This message has been edited by j0n4th4n (10-18-2003 06:45 PM).]

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

1 posted 2003-11-03 09:15 PM

i don't know what to say criticly here, but i did want to say that i thought it was a good effort to remember the 90's. i was so young in the earlies, but i still remember somewhat and almost miss the times. especially the music...holy cow...nine inch nails - pretty hate machine, i just now discovered that album and i love it. ok, that was more like 89, but whatever, a year off, so? =) and, to answer your question: either it existed, or we are all implanted with a fake memory of it.

- River

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

2 posted 2003-11-04 12:56 PM

All well and good, but this doesn't really say anything about the 90's that it couldn't also be saying about the 80's, the 70’s…or the Starship Enterprise, for that matter. You need to develop the idea a bit more if you’d like it to say something unique.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2003-11-04 09:50 AM

I think Sid hit it here. I couldn't put a finger on the problem before but after him I too think the main problem is the non-specific nature. At least change the title so it doesn't misguide the reader's thoughts and leave him wondering, Why?

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2003-11-06 02:59 PM

I don't think this is supposed to be about the city, or necessarily really the 90's either.

But, Jonathan, I do suggest that you follow the suggestion of narrowing your idea down here. Get rid of the broad contemplative lines of speech (I won't call them dialogue, they're too loosely connected) and also think about exactly what you want to say, and extract the uneeded verbiage, as in:

'Everything is deep,
oh so terribly deep, can
we stand it?'

Does it really have to be so drawn out?

That said, I think this is interesting rhetorically and conceptually. Lines such as 'I feel size' 'we share plots and breathe
a game;' and 'while the immense
dusk is closing' are really neat, and I especially think you should focus in on the idea of qualities of light affecting size, and conversely (and more importantly, probably) the way size affects light.

The last line:

'The nineties, did it exist?'

Is a pretty cliche way of asking a potentially interesting question, but I think you have to narrow it. What precisely are you asking? In general, I could answer the question you've asked here with "Yeah, of course it existed, I spent most of it in grade school."

But are you asking about the nineties mentality (references above, i.e. Nirvana/Pearl Jam, and also the NIN/Marilyn Manson cultural sects). Or the nineties as a place in time, or the actual minutes and seconds, as in, was it really the 1990's or are we counting our time all wrong... there are all kinds of places to go if you take this just a step further.

Hope I've helped.

j0n4th4n
Member

since 2003-03-11

Posts 94

5 posted 2003-11-06 05:18 PM

ive been away for two weeks so i havent been able to reply to your critiques all this time.

anyway, thanks all of you. i really appreciate it! i`ll look out for your works to comment on.

re. the poem - yeah, i realise its VERY vague.. the problem was, i was trying to put a certain feeling i have into words, and obviously to put complicated feelings into words is really difficult.

my poem`s theme was not `the nineties` but rather the nineties were one of the themes of the poem. mainly what i was interested in was the early nineties. i should have been more specific.

anyway, thanks ! your comments (especially hush) are really helpful and thoughtful.
jon

[This message has been edited by j0n4th4n (11-06-2003 05:25 PM).]

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