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Critical Analysis #2
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It's moving day
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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It's moving day |
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
It is moving day. We can never return home again. I’ll miss the sound of my family. It is moving day. Our parents have long since passed & we have all moved on. The house will never be the same. It is moving day. We can never return home again. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Marty Baird - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Marty, I see an extended metaphor here, the loss of parents, or maybe just the loss of innocence, or maybe something else entirely. As such, your first, and repeated line, "it is moving day" seems a bit clinical. Perhaps a more subtle wording here would make it fit better with the rest which I did find interesting. Sorry but I can't seem to come up with a suggestion for you. Maybe someone else will come along with something more useful. Pete |
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
Thanks Pete, I'd like to thank you for spending time looking at my poem. I believe the only way I'll learn is by listening to what others suggest. I also know I only write on an emotional level with little knowledge of what is required to develop a good poem. |
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
The poem is about a family selling there physical home to acomplish the goals of a will. 2 boys wanted to keep the land the sisters wanted to sell, no individual had enough money to pay the others off. A picture may have helped. However even with the help of a number of kind people on PIP I failed to understand how to add 1. A lack of confidence on my part. I see the historicaly over used line as being a problem & will try finding a way of replacing it. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Well.. I read this and then read your comments and was driven to take the shell of what you offered and write what might illustrate to you how I thought it could be perhaps made to fit what you say... as you have written it< I find the repeating lines overpowering the whole of the situation you say inspired it and not adding the strength of the feeling that seem to lie underneath that motivation to write it... so, I hope without offending< below is what I came up with... if it offends.. then please tell a moderator and ask them to remove it, with my blessing. It is moving day. We the two and one in dissent can never buy a return home . I’ll miss the sound of family. parents have long since passed and the we that three were now pass this place as strangers. The house never the same. It is a moving day. We can never return home again. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello, Marty. Welcome aboard! While I understand why you would want to use repetition, in a short poem, as pointed out, three times was a little too much. In a longer poem, it would have brought the reader back to the core of the "problem", and make them feel the refrain of sadness underlying the emotion. You've received some great advice. Hope to see more of your work here in CA. |
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
Thanks for the sugestions this is how at least in my case I'm going to learn. I was trying to create a Triolet The features of a Triolet are: * 8 lines. * Two rhymes. * 5 of the 8 lines are repeated or refrain lines. * First line repeats at the 4th and 7th lines. * Second line repeats at the 8th line. I found this method on a site dealing with Triolets. One of my greatest problems is structure. I agree with what was said about my poem & hope to learn from you.  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Well, now that we know you were going for a structured poem, that makes all the difference in the world. You might want to look toward the Poetry Workshop, Nan can give you a pass to let you in and work on your form and structure. Welcome aboard! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
tri what??? LOL... sorry... my comments are way out of line for a structured poem.. I'm a free verse goofball who turns everything into some sort of unstructured mess... so my comments are not appropriate... oh..moderator??? want to clean up after me?? I think there is a mess in aisle 6... |
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
No your reply was in line, my bottom line was to create something that was enjoyable to read for the reader. Besides someone who uses this form will probably tear it apart. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well now, that does make a difference. One cannot avoid repetition in a triolet. The rhyme scheme though is actually ABaAabAB where the a's and b's are the two rhymes and the upper case represents exactly repeated lines. The rhyme should be perfect too. Here is one I submitted a few months back. I think it will demonstrate the rhyme and repetition. They are really fun to do but can be a bit trying. With a little effort you can probably pull this off. One suggestion would be to eliminate the blank lines. That might make it more clear that you are writing a triolet. Another thing to be cautious of though is that the repeated lines should be used in differing contexts as much as possible to help mask the obvious repetition. Thanks, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (10-29-2003 04:39 PM).] |
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