A Self Portrait - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

A Self Portrait

iwontdrownagain
Junior Member

since 2003-10-04

Posts 39
Massachusetts

0 posted 2003-10-26 11:28 AM

Here it is guys, another one... I had a friend sleepover the other night and we were writing poetry on my mirrors. This is one I wrote. I had one eye closed as I tried to trace my face in my small wall mirror. it didn't look like me. Oh well. Enjoy!

An image of torture;
An image of pain.
an image that will stick in your mind.
It is an image of ruggedness;
It's sketchy, really.
An image that shows little or no resemblance.
Are you sure it is yours?
If it looks like you (kind of..)
And is named after you,
It must be yours.
Right?
The hair? The eyes? The nose and ears?
Anything? Anything at all?
Quite possibly it's yours, but how?
What test proved positive?

That's all I have of i for now...
"I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do" for now.
~Lynn

"The green of your eyes
That you get from your father
Shows your personality,
Such a young girl with an equally
Young and foolish heart."
~Lynn M

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-10-28 11:14 AM

Lynn, I liked the first four lines. They caught my interest, in spite of the introduction, that is. After that though it just fell flat. There is no imagery or anything else to retain my interest. I think it needs a serious rewrite if it is to garner any critical interest.

JMHO,
Pete

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2003-10-28 02:12 PM

Lynn:

I agree somewhat with Pete, although I don't think more imagery is necessarily ... well ... necessary. You might consider exploring deeper into the subject you've tapped. One possibility may be to explore how images or labels or whatever the representation fail to adequately describe the person they are affixed to.

Hope this is helpful.

Jim

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.