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RedStoneEB
Senior Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 772
uk

0 posted 2003-10-22 05:20 PM

I drift into the fool's paradise
Taken afar, to places where fantasy breathes.

Eyes unused in reality open, stepping into
Fairy stories of the mind, where memories replay
Drawing me back to the days, of happiness missed
Changing the unalterable to what could have been.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-10-22 11:28 PM

Pretty interesting Lee. I wonder about your commas though, all except the first on that is. They seem to be incorrectly used or at best, distracting. I also wonder about your choice of line breaks. But then, I confess to sort of a mental block that prevents me from understanding most free verse

With my limitied ability to absorb though, it did present a pretty good nostalgiac sort of feel. I hope that was at least part of your intention.

Pete

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

2 posted 2003-10-23 08:15 AM

I seem to be following Pete this morning...LOL..so Pete, don't stop too quick or I'll likely bump into you.

I like to think I get free verse, and I think this has a good deal of potential, but would as Pete Suggested take a look at the commas and,personally, would think about line breaks and format to enhance the ease of read and to convey the mood.

Might also check for the use of any single word more than once, other than the common use of "the" or "a/an". In very short pieces the wording becomes glaringly important and repeating words in a short piece can often take the impact away.

just my thoughts... and look forward to seeing it reworked

[This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (10-23-2003 08:19 AM).]

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

3 posted 2003-10-23 10:49 PM

Agree with both the commas ruin the flow.
Use line breaks instead, think of how you want it to be read and stressed and make the breaks accordingly. Also again Ron is right on in a poem this small repeating words can seriously hinder their effectiveness

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2003-10-23 11:15 PM

Enjoyed the feel of this as well. And relate to that very well too.

Below are a few suggestions to try and help the flow a bit.

[ cut ] ( add )

I drift into the fool's paradise ( , )
Taken afar, to places where fantasy breathes.

Eyes unused in reality open, stepping into
( Mind's ) fairy stories [ of the mind, ] where memories replay ( , )
Drawing me back to [ the ] days [ , ] of happiness missed ( ; )
Changing the unalterable to what could have been.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (10-24-2003 03:46 AM).]

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

5 posted 2003-10-26 12:19 PM

I hope you will let us know if our comments/suggestions are of help to you

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

6 posted 2003-10-27 06:45 PM

In addition to the commas....I feel that
totally proper sentence structure is also
a valuable piece of the puzzle.  (regarding
Caps/lower case letters at the beginning
of a sentence...)

IF the sentence should start with a capital
letter on the first word,  then we should
put one there.  All part of crossing a T or
doting an I....  I try to ensure my
sentences have that as part of the poem's
structure.  I hope we have benefited you
in this venture.

[This message has been edited by Magnus (10-28-2003 08:18 AM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2003-10-28 11:11 AM

(Bump)

Well Lee, I would like to hear your opinion.

Pete

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

8 posted 2003-10-28 12:05 PM

Additionally,  if the next line is part of
the line before...that line should not start
with a capital letter.  Don't worry,  I do
believe you are getting there.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

9 posted 2003-10-28 01:16 PM

Lee:

I think I would like to see a more vivid picture.

quote:
I drift into the fool's paradise
Taken afar, to places where fantasy breathes.

I really like the opening lines. For me, it makes me want to see more of this "fool's paradise."

quote:
Eyes unused in reality open, stepping into
Fairy stories of the mind, where memories replay

The main difficulty I see with this is that your mind's eye is the only one that can see this. No matter how many times I read this, I will not be able to share in the moment if you do not elaborate on what you are "seeing" and remembering.

quote:
Drawing me back to the days, of happiness missed
Changing the unalterable to what could have been.

Again, because you do not share more details of this nostalgic moment, the effect it has on you remains in you. I would recommend that you expand on this, give us something of these lost moments and missed opportunities to latch onto. I think this would make for a more satisfying read and give you a chance to flesh out this "fool's paradise" for us.

Thanks for posting and for the read.

Jim

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