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From Happier Times
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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From Happier Times |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Brad close you eyes and ears! I thought I might post something from a day (a long while back)when insanity and levity reigned: Ron saves the oysters (and does other good things at the same time) (with apologies to Lewis Carroll) Now you've all heard how long ago upon the briny strand the Walrus and the Carpenter went strolling hand in hand. And how a lot of foolish clams (or maybe oyster teens) went scuttling after them in line and then became has-beens! Well now today I much regret it's happening again. The sun is warm the gals are hot and not a hint of rain and down the silver beach they come one whiskered, one with nails a line of shell fish following between the surf board sails. They plod quite purposefully beside the hunks with shades on towels the walrus checks a topless chick "C'mon!", his partner growls. When suddenly upon the sand just like a buried snake he spots something he can't ignore ... and does a double-take. "Oh Walrus come and look at this" he cries with verve and fizzle and down upon his knees he goes a-scraping with his chisel. "I do believe - why yes it's true! As best as I am able I can announce (to all who care) I found a ‘puter cable!" "Magnificent", the Walrus cried, "Lets skip our meal's first course, but, with the entree following, let's find the cable's source." And so the little entourage went winding round the beach all had their private hopes and fears but all refrained from speech. At length a bluff of rock stood out the wire passed through a slit, "Are you nervous" said the Carpenter "Well just a little bit" the Walrus muttered quietly, they peered around the bluff "Good heavens" gasped the two of them "is that surreal enough?!" And there upon a dazzling towel In fluorescent stripy jeans A handsome, stetson'd, youngish guy and a bank of ‘puter screens. "Oh hi" he smiled, all casual "Don't fret, you're still awake, you see today's my birthday and I thought I'd take a break." "A break!?" the shell fish eating pair exclaimed, and looked around at all the monitors and drives scattered across the ground. "Oh yes,"said Ron (for as you've guessed twas Mr Carnell who they'd stumbled on that hot fine day the oyster gobbling two), "Oh yes," he said, "the sun the sand are fine in smallish rations but none of it would be the same without my fix of Passions." The Walrus took a peek and saw each sincere birthday wish so poetic was the script he read he lost all thoughts of fish. His tradesman friend was soon engrossed by the family in the Forum while Ron watched all the oysters leave the lyrics seemed to bore ‘em. And later in the sunset glow two poets strolled to bed no oysters in their tummies just verse and rhyme instead. Still later, packing up his stuff, Ron wondered at his day, the way good writing changes things and shows a different way. They won't go hungry now he thought (Last cable safely curled) they've seen the way that poetry can make a better world. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Robtm1965 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok now, I like this  True, the meter is a little cobbled here and there but it really isn't too bad and I know you didn't intend it for critical acclaim. For its intended purpose, if I may presume levity, it does the job quite well.I won't try to really critique then but just suggest that you might consider smoothing out the meter in a few places. Again, I don't think it all needs to be perfect but if you consider it worthwhile, there is a little room for improvement. I'm sure you can find the problems at least as well as I can. Thanks, Pete |
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