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Critical Analysis #2

Freedom Is Not Free

AmethystBeing
New Member

since 2003-10-18

Posts 4
Maine, USA

0 posted 2003-10-18 02:09 PM

With hidden enemies throughout the world,
Darkness shades upon our mortal beings
As Victory poses with fangs curled
At war with Conscience, that receding
Into the helpless void of despair,
Perches like ancient Cerberus ready
To pounce on souls who for nothing care.
Holding onto a single thought with steady,
Calloused, weathered hands that led us to our
Revolutions in the shattered past
And unto this final dooms-day hour
Our vile traitor, Conscience, may not last
As Victory's tears flow like a sea,
And we learn that freedom is not free

Marty Baird
Member

since 2003-09-20

Posts 90
Georgia, U.S.

1 posted 2003-10-18 05:27 PM

I enjoyed the flow of your work. good luck with future works.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

2 posted 2003-10-20 01:36 PM

I am always so picking for rhymes to be exact in sonance.
Perhaps the second and fourth line may be rhymed more,
thus:

"With hidden enemies throughout the world,
Darkness shades upon our mortal pressing
As Victory poses with fangs curled
At war with Conscience, that regressing"

"Perches like ancient Cerberus ready
To pounce on souls who for nothing care."

There is no way I may not like a poem that mentions Cerberus

Should "who" here be "whom?"
This line may work better as "upon souls whom nothing care"
I don't know much about meter though so if my suggestions do not fit into that, please forgive me.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (10-20-2003 03:12 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2003-10-22 07:11 AM

Probably not the best thing to do, end on a political slogan and negotiating tactic.

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