October poetry challenge poem

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dorotheaellen
New Member

since 2003-10-13

Posts 7

0 posted 2003-10-13 09:26 PM

Gone. Finished.
What gushed through arteries
on sheets of bluewords
between us-
faraway fire waves goodbye.

Unlooms the spectrum
as tired air now, we are.

Before we met I was a streamer
part tombstone, some dead string.

I send you off to search
for buried treasure-
to grapple with moons
and angel yourself in snow.

To remove her clothes
and touch her softer
than you did before-
you never knew me.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

1 posted 2003-10-14 08:31 PM

Hello,

I thought this was an interesting cast of words in the fast and minimalistic style.

Only a few difficulties with the structure in critiquing only what I believe I may understand a bit.

"Gone and "finished" may be easily put into a sentence (to be grammatically correct I believe).  Perhaps thus:

"Gone and finished;
what gushed through arteries
on sheets of bluewords..."

As well I find the moment between the dash and "faraway" makes awkward the flow.
Perhaps--

"between us
as faraway fire waves goodbye."

The dash after treasure seems unneedful.

I liked  the imagery here: "to grapple with moons
and angel yourself in snow."

Thank you for sharing.  And welcome to the forum!

[This message has been edited by Essorant (10-14-2003 08:41 PM).]

merc
Junior Member

since 2003-10-15

Posts 35

2 posted 2003-10-15 10:45 PM

Hello,

I also enjoyed this poem and have a few comments.

" faraway fire waves goodbye."

I think this line is perhaps one of the most aesthetically amazing lines I've ever read.  Although I do agree with Essorant's suggestion to help the flow a bit.

"Before we met I was a streamer
part tombstone, some dead string."

I didn't find this line effective, it's seperated from your regular stanza's so I gather it is of some importance to you.  I don't get a strong image from the streamer/dead string and I don't find the language construction visually or aesthetically good enough for attention to be drawn to it by a stanza break like this.

I'm not saying scrap it, it just seems to me that these lines are important to you and your poem, and I don't think I've gotten the message.

"to grapple with moons
and angel yourself in snow"

Again, I agree with Essorant here.  These are two amazing lines.  To angel yourself in snow, that just sounds beautiful and It leads to an awesome mental image.

Overall I think this poem needs a bit of polish but it's going to be great once it's finished.  One thing you definately need to do is get yourself a title, I get the faintest impression that you have a few ideas in your head and they are all coming together to make this poem.
Choosing a title will help solidify a theme in your mind and may aid you in refining your poems mechanics a bit further.

"Faraway fire waves goodbye"!

I can't wait to see more of your work!

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

3 posted 2003-10-17 01:52 PM

First, I am a fan of minimalistic poetry and enjoy the strength in your piece at conveying a message without truly defining everything about the circumstances around it.

I did find some of the wording and breaks as mentioned by the others to be a bit troublesome in my read.

This in particular,"Unlooms the spectrum
as tired air now, we are."
seemed not to fit in my mind as it is or appears to almost be an afterthought that follows a great line and adds nothing to my understanding of the overall feel.
I would in general agree with the others comments on the lines which struck me as well as the possible changes you might make.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2003-10-17 07:28 PM

I think you have a really neat style and flow here, and some excellent lines. I agree that some polishing would do the trick. My suggestions:

'Gone. Finished.
What gushed through arteries
on sheets of bluewords
between us-
faraway fire waves goodbye.'

I really like this stanza, except for one thing- the first line. First of all, it sounds weak and cliche. Secondly, do you really need it? I think the rest of the stanza sufficiently states those first two words, without slamming it into us with a sledgehammer.

BTW- I thought:

'What gushed through arteries
on sheets of bluewords
between us'

is one of the strongest, most aesthetically pleasing, and well written set of lines I've read on this website in a long time.

Now:

'Unlooms the spectrum
as tired air now, we are.'

Umm? Not sure what you're trying to say here, maybe this is a wee bit too convoluted? I think you shoul evaluate exactly what you're trying to evoke with these lines.... if it's necessary, rephrase. If not, scrap it.

'Before we met I was a streamer
part tombstone, some dead string.'

I like this line... what is a streamer? Much like wrapping paper, it's a superficial trapping of the party.... doomed for garbage before it even leaves the wrapper. People may save balloons and dry flowers, but what is a streamer but trash?

And what was the narrator, in her own estimation, then?

The only problem I have is that you never really state what she became afterward.

'I send you off to search
for buried treasure-
to grapple with moons
and angel yourself in snow.'

I'd ditch the buried treasure image. Other than that, neat images. I especially like 'grapple with moons'- the moon is traditionally seen as female, an ever changing entity. It's a neat metaphor for "Fine, you bastard, go chase tail."

'To remove her clothes
and touch her softer
than you did before-
you never knew me.'

Maybe seperate this from the previous stanza with just a semicolon, since the ideas are so closely linked?

Also, I really like this... very illustrative. But once again, maybe lose the last line here? It's overstating things... I already get the point, and with this style, I think a slightly more abrupt halt would work better.

I really enjoyed this. hope I've helped.

b.costen
Member

since 2003-11-02

Posts 107
ontario, CAN

5 posted 2003-12-08 04:11 PM

To put it plainly:

I'd like to be able to see more of your work.

so what's it going to be then, eh?

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