Devotion (re-write) - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

0 posted 2003-12-02 03:08 PM

She grabbed me with the white that washed her face
and stole my pity with the disbelief
her eyes conveyed. I marveled at her grace,
the soundness of the will that hid her grief,
but still she stood and stared – the contents of
the plastic bag were all that would pass through
the sliding hospice doors today – “My love,”
he’d sighed his final breath, “was always true.”

It was a brilliant act – devoted to
our dream, my beauty played her final hand
with poise. She turned to me and mouthed “For you,”
then winked the sign that all had gone as planned.

My angel smiled at me and looked around,
then tossed the plastic bag onto the ground.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-12-02 10:27 PM

Well Jim, I can't seem to find the original for comparison. So, I'll just talk about the re-write

You immediately brought back an extremely vivid of Mom when Dad had his major heart attack and it looked like he would not survive. So I would have to say that, at least in my case, your words painted a vivid picture. As a reader, again in my case, I'm not so sure that was a good thing. As a writer, my

as you have succeeded very well. Of course, that's no surprise. You have a history of bringing out our emotional being.

Finally, I can't point out anything specific but it did seem just a wee bit wordy. I think the impact could be even more pronounced if you were to trim it just a bit. I'm not sure that's what you really want though.

Thanks,
Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-12-05 01:12 AM

Um... sorry if I'm way off and this sounds crass... but is this about a wife busting her husband out of a nursing home?

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

3 posted 2003-12-05 08:22 AM

No, it was my fault. On second read, the murder conspiracy in this version isn't quite so obvious. Back to the drawing board.

Jim

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2003-12-05 04:15 PM

Well, I see it now (the plastic bag and all -- clever since there are all the warnings not to line babies cribs with them -- a parallel with the dependence of ill elders on facility staff) but here's the part that throws me:

'my beauty played her final hand
with poise. She turned to me and mouthed Â“For you,Â”
then winked the sign that all had gone as planned.'

BTW sorry about the little boxes something wrong with my pc/internet settings...

But you're having the dead address the reader- how am I supposed to know he's dead unless he tells me? Dead people don't customarily chat it up (or write poems)...

However, in the context, I must say that:

'She grabbed me with the white that washed her face'

Is an incredible clever line.

I wonder, if this was changed to her point of view (everything left the same, but a first person narrative instead of the husband's perspective) could the meaning be made clearer? I think the wording and vocabulary here are realistic and down-to-earth enough to work in that format... leaving us with perhaps an eccentric lady with a penchant for self-glamorization?

Besides, if she was the narrator, we'd have all kinds of depth (a'la Telltale Heart and One Flew over The Cuckoos Nest) added to the narrative... and the reader can have fun trying to imagine how truthful the account really is.

Sorry if it seems like I'm running with this... it is your poem, the idea just struck me as clever. It might be totally off-base from what you wanted, I just thought it was worth some thought.

Hope I've helped.

-Amy

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

5 posted 2003-12-06 10:59 PM

Am I completely missing the point or is this some sort of Anna Nicole Smith's boyfriend type of deal?

If you seek to disturb and stick in someone's mind, you got me.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.