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Critical Analysis #2
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Indian Summer
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Indian Summer |
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IndigoEve Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279Etched in the illusion of time 
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(Thoughts, anyone?) Taste the essence of summer as it dies Surreal imbalance of seasoned mischief Wind religiously lingering The sky's shrine of unholy martyrdom Breaking stars upon papered dreams 'Til heaven crumbles and Relinquishes a whisper, a hint.. Of pure autumnal gold. Do not let the threads slip under Fingers. Weaving, unweaving, endless Pattern of demise. Threads of souls, bearing marks of thyme. Herbed abundance in soundless words Sun is shining, silvery cold Impassioned lips daunted by tints of Expresso Wonder how it feels to murmur sweetly Into the ears of Lady Muse "Feed me with your delicacies, a yearning for Painted eyes and knotted hair Spilling down to waists encompassed by satin And hands Lacing themselves 'round rarefied svelteness Teaching me to carry my song like liquid glass" So simply strange, the desperate roads Collections of dust and thickened country air Musty with haste, Suffocated in aromas of Indian summer virginity Unbroken yet by fall's guilty blush Quiet, unyielding chill Take the shorter path, the longer way home Bones inept to the fluid movement I inflict Destined to read the inscriptions of a pending October moon Dirty gray faces of stars cascading 'round her Imbued by faded shades of summer Hues awry But soon, harvest shall relinquish its maize Patience, sweet patience, My sky Autumn draws unceasingly near. p.s. if i can't cross post in here, please let me know. For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.--"Romeo and Juliet" [This message has been edited by IndigoEve (10-13-2003 04:02 PM).] |
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dorotheaellen New Member
since 2003-10-13
Posts 7 |
Indigo, I am a minimalist so it is a bit difficult for me to comment on such a poem as yours I think though you have it pretty well over-written you have lovely images but they are being swallowed by all the excess language you have around them for instance: taste summer as it dies it's seasoned mischief 'stars break on papered dreams' this is a glorious image you have outstanding image ability for your age amost always in poetry less is more I enjoyed reading your poem dorothea |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: I feel this would work better if stated in the third person rather than the first. I highlighted all the lines that carry this piece—the most artistic IMO. Some of these are really quite nice, conveying the feeling you want to achieve throughout this one. I’m not necessarily saying to eliminate the rest, though you could without hurting too much. I just think it needs a bit of polish. It is only my opinion. I don’t mind if you wish to disagree. Never did like the “Lady Muse” reference. I fear it’s well on its way to becoming just one more hackneyed poetic term. The "Espresso" doesn’t work. Seems anachronistic in this particular poem. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (10-14-2003 01:09 AM).] |
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