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Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

0 posted 2003-10-13 05:43 AM

seas of crimson lights
have left the city behind
in a veil of twilight
painting sin-like shadows
of voluptuous serpents
raising curvy hoods
in cosines and tangents
of geometric figures

but repulsive darkness and
sheets of cold rain help
in their own cynical ways
to sift through
fair-weather friends
who hide behind curtains
with Mercury-inspired designs
of halogen lamps
that keep the zone
in artificial warmth

while rowdy crowds
keep the streets abuzz
with poisoned stares
from lust-filled eyes
under clouded hats
thinking perhaps that
silence is an insult
to the kingdom of the night

but with all due respect
to the Roxannes of this city
I walked away;
in the knowledge that
some of the best sounds are heard
not amongst hustling winds
but in strains of murmurs
of the lulls in-between
and grasping well that
there's no love to be found here

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

1 posted 2003-10-13 08:57 AM

SOH-CAH-TOA - Only you could make something poetic out of mathematical science...

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-10-13 12:39 PM

Love the reference to the Police... perfect. Now you've got yourself a soundtrack to the poem, eh?

I really liked this... a couple of little things that stuck out to me though:

'but repulsive darkness and
sheets of cold rain help
in their own cynical ways
to sift through'

Well, sifting sort of implies a sand-like texture, and when I think of rain or moisture on sand... it clumps up, it's not really easily sifted anymore. Just a minore imagery nitpick there.

'thinking perhaps that
silence is an insult
to the kingdom of the night'

Maybe omit the second 'the' to read: 'to the kingdom of night'? Seems to flow a bit better to me... BTW, loved these lines.

Other than those couple little things, I thoiught this was really well written, very fun to read, excellent imagery. Some examples:

'voluptuous serpents
raising curvy hoods
in cosines and tangents
of geometric figures'

Neat metaphor, it's clear here that you're talking about women, but not overly obvious or overdone... I also really like the geometric angle to it... it implies intricate planning and execution.

'but with all due respect
to the Roxannes of this city'

Right, I already said I liked this...

'some of the best sounds are heard
not amongst hustling winds'

Hustling winds, I think, is very clever in this context.

Hope I've helped.

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

3 posted 2003-10-13 01:04 PM

Nan, thanks a lot...

guess what I thought of: Darkness can increase its TAN (= evil) by increasing his SINs over his COSses (causes) as tan (angle)= sin (angle) divided by cos (angle)

... i must be crazy...

hush... thanks for your remarks... and I agree that the sifting image is not on the spot... I wanted to emphasize on the feeling of loneliness that one feels when cold rains pour through... maybe it will be better if mentioned more directly... like

but repulsive darkness and
frostbites of estrange help
in their own cynical ways
to sift through
fair-weather friends

and as for the two "the"s in the line... I stumbled on that line as well... not knowing if I should have kingdom of the night or the kigdom of night...

thanks once again...

regards,
Sudhir

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