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MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

0 posted 2003-10-11 07:18 PM

Is It Real?

I live with sadness
day after day.
It's haunting presence
renders me powerless
over my own life,
and it steals my joy away.

It hinders my ability
to live life to it's fullest
and it makes me wonder
if true happiness really exists,
or is it just a figment
of some eternal optimist's
imagination?

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2003-10-13 04:14 AM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is It Real?

I live with sadness
day after day.
It's haunting presence
renders me powerless
over my own life,
and it steals my joy away.

It hinders my ability
to live life to it's fullest
and it makes me wonder
if true happiness really exists,
or is it just a figment
of some eternal optimist's
imagination?

Hi.

Sitting here, tapping fingers on keyboard wondering where to start.

Straight in I guess.

This is not the best poem I've ever read MsSO. That might be an understatement ~gentle smile~

Why not?

Firstly, I have questions for you:

How much poetry do you read, and if you read some what kind?

Whatever your answer - you need to read more. There are many websites out there, ask if you want links. Libraries are good too.

When you set out to write this, did you have a concrete image in mind or just a feeling?

I ask that because your poem lacks imagery entirely. That is not in itself a bad thing - but perhaps for a beginner (hazarding a guess - you haven't written much?) it's a stretch.

So, now to the poem. In honesty - this reads like a journal entry.

A cliched one:

Day after day.
True happiness.
Haunting presence etc.

Also, I feel you are reaching for the language. I feel you have grasped onto words that sound poetic and large and meaningful to you. Such as 'hinders, renders, figment.'

It doesn't work - you just sound like you're stretching.

Question - how can your subject live with sadness day after day yet it still steals joy away? That doesn't fit.

Let's go through the poem line by line now. I hope you will be able to see that after the first line every single sentence says the same thing in a slightly different way.

1 - I live with sadness
day after day.

2 - It's haunting presence
renders me powerless
over my own life (should be 'its')

3 - It hinders my ability
to live life to it's fullest (again, should be 'its')

4 - and it makes me wonder
if true happiness really exists

5 - or is it just a figment
of some eternal optimist's
imagination?

This whole poem could be cut down to the first and last sentence. The bits in between say nothing.

Other than getting out there and reading more poetry I have a suggestion for you. EXPAND on one idea relating to being sad. At the moment all you have are 13 lines talking (and I mean talking) about sadness. That's a really vast topic.

Have you heard of personification? Simile? Metaphor? Why not use one of those just to start with?

Narrow. Think narrow. Small. One image.

Make a poem out of the idea, not a journal entry.

Take care

K

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

2 posted 2003-10-13 08:15 AM

Severn,
I see where you are coming from, and thank you for your input and your honesty in doing so. I value the learning process, even when the lessons are on the stern side. After all, this is the reason I posted in here and all views are valuable to me.

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