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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona 
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let your ashes fall around me these lingering stares our last recourse through air that burns like ice, cold and fast no drug to numb this churning asphalt convent nor courage to drown in God's cruel hoax so I ignite this, my last remorse and smolder my ashes in heap with yours ~seth |
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| © Copyright 2003 Joshua Douglas Hurst - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
You have such a great potential! You might consider trying to rewrite this piece in another form: Your ashes fall around me Those lingering stares Our last recourse Through air that burns Ice Cold and fast No drug to numb Churning asphalt convent Nor courage to drown God's cruel hoax I ignite My last remorse Molder my ashes Smolder A heap with yours This may not even be what you are trying to say, but in a since I think that it may be closer to what you mean simply by giving space to the thought. I even took time to rewrite again in another since. Your ashes fall around me; those lingering stares from our last recourse like ice so cold and fast that no drug can numb this churning asphalta of a convent, nor courage to drown God's cruel hoaz. I have one last remorse; smolder my ashes in a heap with yours to be one who was but a lingering stare. My heart, a lump stuck deep in my throat, I dare not speak for fear it will fall to my feet. "Kind sir? You have such an odd look about yourself." I hope I helped you understand some ideas involved with composing. With your deep thinking I think you would be better off being a novelist than a poet. Let me know when you publish you first book, I like to buy a copy. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I was really quite drawn to this one when I first read it last night. I must say though, a rewrite was not the first thing that came to my mind. You have some compelling imagery going on here. My problem is in L4—though admittedly, it may only be my problem—because I have difficulty drawing a correlation, (or perhaps, even a distant connection) between: numbing drug, churning asphalt, and convent in one short line. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (10-11-2003 11:20 AM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Merlynh - an entire rewrite and a suggestion to become a novelist after only one poem? ~Gentle chastise~ lol. Seth - you know, this makes me think of The Steadfast Tin Soldier by Hans Christian Anderson: 'The tin soldier stood illuminated by the flames that leaped around him. He did not know whether the great heat he felt was caused by his love or the fire...He looked at the ballarina and she looked at him. He would fell that he was melting; but he held on as steadfastedly as ever to his gun and kept his gaze on the little ballerina in front of the castle. The door of the room opened, a breeze caught the little dancer and like a sylph she flew right into the stove. She flared up and was gone. The soldier melted. The next day when the maid emptied the stove she found a little tin heart, which was all that was left of him. Among the ashes lay the metal spangle from the ballerina's dress; it had been burned as black as coal.' I always found that so poignant. Your poem has traces of that poignancy. And mystery - there is certainly mystery in this. Suggestions: Rethinking your line spacing. (I confess, Merlynh has done a good job with that). You have strong imagery here that is obviously important to you. Like Cynic, I'm at a loss to link the images from Line 4 together also. With sharper line spacing you might be able to make those clearer with just a few additions... In the end, it depends on how accessible you want your poetry to be to readers...  K |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Seth, I enjoyed the imagery as well. It is very doubtful to me for the briefness though. Perhaps you could reveal more to the reader, and/or articulate more what you have revealed to clarify a bit more what you wish to express. Essorant |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
~merlynh, thanks for the spacing clinic. I have no training formal or informal when it comes to poetry or even writing so it is nice to receive input about the way I should format my poems. It will be interesting to see your ideas in the finished product. Thank you for the compliment; I'll let the critics blame you for the book I am now writing. ~cynicsRus, most of my poetry is written for spoken word. I have to good (great) fortune of living in a place(phoenix, just moved there) with a large poetry community. This means that most of my work goes in sequence and the topics connect and thus content is easier to understand when presented as a whole. I do a lot of journaling and was looking through my journal for anything I might want to add to my set and I found sop. At the time this was written I was in rehab for a little chemical problem I happen to have acquired. While there I met, or sort of met this young lady (we were not permitted to speak to the opposite sex) so I did the only thing a hopeless romantic could do, I engaged in an affaire of long lingering glances and smiles. It was actually quite intoxicating although completely juvenile. Hope that pieces together some of the queer imagery. ~Severn, I read your critiques of others poems when I can as by doing so I learn a great deal. Readers being able to relate to my poems is far more important than being accessible (imo) Really, I would rather say something different to each reader than tell some story about myself. This poem for example, is about something quite trivial. The meaning of the poem might get in the way of someone enjoying it the way they would it they just held on to what it said to them specifically. Do you understand what I am trying to say, I hope so cuz this is not easy. If so, what do you think? What in your opinion is more important? ~Essorant, I appreciate being the recipient of your 666 post! I will cherish this moment always. Brevity has never been a flaw I enjoyed. The finished product is yet to come; perhaps by then I will be able to put some more meat to it. Please let me know what you think then. Thank you all for your input and have a wonderful day. ~seth |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Every writer has to find his or her own way threw all the thick mud that comes from watery thoughts. I hope yours becomes as clear as mind are coming.  I'll give you a hint. When you feel like you don't belong here anymore, and should be writing to publish only. Your on your way. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Seth, Enjoy those Loooong, HOT summers. I was born and reared in Phoenix. Lived through 35 of them, before finally moving closer to the shore. I still have lots of family there and visit often. My daughter, son-in-Law and new granddaughter live in Surprise. Wishing you the best. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (10-13-2003 11:15 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well Seth I think the two are intertwined. Yes I understand exactly what you have said and will say it in my own way when explaining how they are intertwined: When a poem is accessible a person may not necessarily understand YOUR intent completely, but they're able to form images in their own mind and construct meanings from it; they are then better able to relate. A reader might find themselves relating to a piece in a way that the poet never intended. Which is, I have always thought, a good thing. Obviously you do too. Meaning is not something you can force down someone's throat. I don't think you have to worry about making a poem too accessible really. Also, you said: 'so it is nice to receive input about the way I should format my poems.' Watch out for that 'should' word. No one is telling you what to do here. Learn by all means, use ideas - but I advise watching out for thinking you 'should' do something k? Cheers, K [This message has been edited by Severn (10-14-2003 04:39 PM).] |
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