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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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"Neath Angels Wings |
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mystic1 Junior Member
since 2003-07-25
Posts 14Definitely not Kansas |
As days sweep by we oft forget the things that helped us through. Sins like this we would regret if not for one like you. Kindness comes in rushes blowing softly on my heart. Tenderness and caring push my fears and doubts apart. When darkness looms and pity sings the dreams of sorrow pour “What of tomorrow?” ears will ring “To live I shall no more!” ‘Tis now she comes and does appear to whisper dreams into my ear Solace, peace upon me from A hand so far, a heart so near For Annie TJM 10/15/03 Still watching, still dreaming |
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| © Copyright 2003 mystic1 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Mystic, Ok, I'm a rhyme and meteraholic but you have done a good job with both here. As for the nits, in L12 the rhyme seems a little forced due to the word order inversion. Also, I don't see why the line is enclosed in quote marks as it doesn't seem to be a quote. Of course, I could be missing something there. You might consider something like "And I shall live no more." Since you have used punctuation, I would also suggest a comma at the end of L9 to separate the adverbial phrase and a period or semicolon at the end of L10 since L11 begins a new sentence or at least independent clause. Some punctuation should end L14. Finally, you missed the period at the end. I expect some may say the whole thing is a little too sweet or even sappy but I will not agree. I particularly enjoyed how you made a specific statement, presumably intended for a specific person, but still retained that quality that anyone could identify with and enjoy. It is very hard to write a love poem without being too sweet. If it can be done, the end result would probably fall short of the intent anyway. Thanks, Pete |
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mystic1 Junior Member
since 2003-07-25
Posts 14Definitely not Kansas |
Thanks so much for taking the time to critique this piece. You're right when you noted how hard it can be to write a piece like this that's not sweet or sappy. I normally write terribly dark pieces and was challenged to come up with something by a person I met right here in these forums. She is very special to me and my poem is heartfelt. As for the quotations hmmm, I'm not sure. I feel like most of the poem is telling a tale, but the quotes infer my shouting out loud how I feel. I'll still consider an adjustment however. Thanks again for your wise advice! Still watching, still dreaming |
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merc Junior Member
since 2003-10-15
Posts 35 |
Hi mystic, I also am a huge fiend for rhyme and meter, but you did do a good job. As for your lines of shouting, I get that simply with the !, if you don't feel that's enough emphasis you could try Italics or Bold (I would not suggest all caps though, never works). A note on your rhymes rushes : push (visually it's ok [rushes vs. push] but aesthetically I don't think it works). pour : more (good rhyme, more is easy to rhyme with silly words that don't leave your ready very satisfied. Pour is a great word for this). appear : ear : from : near (I am not an expert on poetic forms so I'm not sure if this is a specific structure where the last stanza is meant to begin with a rhyming couplet and continue the rhyme in L4. If it is then ignore me, otherwise I would stick to the structure. You get your reader into a rhythm while he's reading with your meter and your rhyme, changing the format at the end of the poem disrupts this rhythm and can take away from the impact of the poem). A note on your meter: Your stressed and unstressed syllables seem fine. Stanza 1 4 beats 3 beats 4 beats 3 beats perfect Stanza 2 3 beats 4 beats 4 beats 3 beats :| little off but hardly noticeable (unless your anal retentive) Stanza 3 4 beats 3 beats 4 beats 3 beats perfect Stanza 4 4 beats 4 beats 4 beats 4 beats :O As I said, 4-3-4-3 sounds like a great structure (isn't that a sonnet?) but you've mixed your meter a bit in the stanza's. And if I remember correctly don't sonnets end in rhyming couplets? Anyway the problems are very minor, the Poem sounds great. I like your language (except as Not a Poet mentioned above I think "To live I shall no more!" needs restructuring.) and would be very interested to see further revisions of this and more of your work. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yep Mystic, Merc makes a good point. For consistency sake, I would move blowing from the beginning of L6 to the end of L5. I didn't count syllables initially but it sounded right. The move is for visual and structural integrity. It is true, you have some iambic and som trochaic lines, more properly missing and extra syllables here and there. In most cases, the missing syllable at the beginning of a line is balanced by an extra unstressed on at the end of the previous line although there are a couple of exceptions. Overall, I think it works fine as is but I would definately move that one word described above. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (10-16-2003 12:24 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
OK, count me among the rhyme and meter fans. No this is nothing like a sonnet which flows along in an even Iambic Pentameter. (Twelve lines, then a final detached rhyme couplet.) The metric feet in this start out as 4343, as Merc noted and also rightly pointed out the shift in stanzas 2&4. I notice you also wrote L’s 5,6&7 as Trochees. It doesn’t really bother me as much as it might bother someone else. But, you can make the piece appear more uniform overall by redoing the last stanza to match the second, or vice versa, which really wouldn’t take much effort. I think it would give it sort of a nice variation. Or you can do what Pete suggested, then redo Stanza 4 to match. But, that’s only my opinion. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (10-16-2003 01:50 AM).] |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I see "sonnet" so abused all over the place. No, sonnets don't have to end in rhyming couplets. No, they don't always have to be Petrarchan or Spenserian or Shakespearean or whatever you see in your textbook. I personally define a sonnet based on the consistent element I've seen in what sonnets I've read---what poets through history have called "sonnets." And the truly consistent themes that I've seen suggest that sonnets be fourteen lines of iambic pentameter with some consistent rhyme scheme. Couplets are not always necessary... Personally, my own sonnets are only restricted in that they're fourteen lines, seventy iambs, and every line rhymes with at least one other line. It even has the advantage of bringing some variety into the work---I can add hidden messages to my sonnets. Once, I cheesily ended a sonnet I wrote on Faulkner's "Sound an the Fury" with a CADDEE rhyme scheme, pretending to myself that anyone would ever actually notice. Oh yeah, I have to comment on the poem, too. Here. “To live I shall no more!” sounds stilted, like you had to say something and fit it with the meter/rhyme. Fair enough but it looks like you settled on that. The last line is dull and could use a bit more spice. I'd rephrase it and at least take out the words "A heart so near." Also, I like the trochaic shift in the second stanza, I like the break from the iambic... especially the initial pause. I'd leave it as is. Nice work, but revise it a few times to get it just right, if you actually value it enough to do so. Hope to see you posting lots more in here. Parasite Faith is a fine invention |
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