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Critical Analysis #2
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Monster Within
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Monster Within |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
I see your eyes as you grow in fury I hear your lies as you spill them in a hurry what is it that stirs this monster within it churns so deep inside of you it boils to the brim and makes dead of new I see your eyes as you suffer through the days I hear your cries as you shatter in the haze where has all your hope gone you used to be so strong now you burn with a corruption that will bring your own destruction I see your eyes the deep sorrow that brings uncontrollable sighs over dead and worthless things come back to all that once was yours come back into the light diminish the darkness that your heart stores give up the aimless fight |
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| © Copyright 2003 Bonnie Sue Bixler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Bonnie, the main feel I get from this one is that you have too many forced rhymes. When you read a poem and it is obvious that the author used certain wording just because it rhymed rather than it was the right wording or something that might have been said were it not in a poem then that is a forced rhyme. Even one of those can spoil an otherwise pretty good poem. In this case, you have several, maybe even most of them. I think you might consider rewriting this one without rhyme. The meter is already inconsistent so maybe free verse would be the way to go with it. Well, that's just one suggestion. Pete |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
Hello, I agree with Pete, you’ve chosen a very difficult rhyme scheme to use abab is almost impossible to pull off without the end rhymes jumping out at you even when the rhymes aren’t as forced as they are in this piece. You could, as Pete suggested, remove the rhyme and go for a free verse style foregoing meter entirely but there is another alternative that sits between the two and is easier to get to grips with (so easy even I can do it  ) it might be worth considering. If you’re interested I’d be happy to explain how it works. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
What kind of monster is this person? |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
lol, ehem, Not a Poet - your right, i forced the rhyme thing a little bit too much, please bear with me though, i am experimenting with different things, and not all of them work (obviusly)...Legion, i am very curious about this alternative that you speak of, please do tell. Brad... you wanna know about the subject, ok. when i wrote this i had just had a very bad day...i had a strong urge to grab the keys to my moms car (wich i was sitting in, alone, at the time) even though i have never driven one before...and drive and drive untill i went over a cliff or commmited some "convenient" suicide. obviusly, i had more sense than this, but i was so angry i decided to vent by writing instead. it turned out not just about me, but about everyone that i've seen in such a strong rage that they can't controll themselves. the "Monster Within" is the dark side of everyone when we are out of controll. i think my problem with the rhyming , also, was since i was mad, i was forcing myself to make it rhyme...so...i guess while the idea was ok, i should work on it more. ok, i'm done yaking now. thanx for your advice guys, i appreciate it. "The Red, it filters through" - Chevelle |
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