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Critical Analysis #2
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I'm new Just looking for Opinions
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I'm new Just looking for Opinions |
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Inioth Junior Member
since 2003-09-18
Posts 12Calgary, Alberta |
Hi everyone I've been writing for quite a while I have just never posted anything before so here goes let me know what ya think... Thought 8 (Pictures) Why did I meet you? I wish it never was All these pictures running through my mind Like a movie in fast-forward I don't like this show... Change the channel... Remote must be broken... I don't wanna watch any more Do you watch to?? Of course not for you it ended long ago and here is one more let me know what ya think... Thought (4) One More Hour One more hour!! WHAT WOULD YOU DO!!?? It's all you've got left Live it out forever Nothing ever again Spend it with someone Special.... Just remember it's their hour to Is that what they want One person's heaven is another's hell Did you waste it? Only you can decide But it's all you've got left......always remember well there ya go I have lots more E-mail me if you wanna chat or like my stuff. Thanx a lot for reading it |
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| © Copyright 2003 Inioth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi and welcome to the forum. I don't usually have much to say on a first post but I have a lkittle here. First, it doesn't really say anything that grabs my interest. The impression is that it's just another boy wants girl he can't have thing. Not that those are bad. There are just too many of them and, for a new one to be interesting, it needs to tell it in a different and interesting way. Second, you are employing imagery but I'm not sure I can appreciate the image of changing channels and lost remotes, at least not in the present context. This is not a bad start. In fact, your use of imagery should be complemented. I just feel that the mixed context doesn't work. Well, hang around and join in on the fun. We do get to see some good poetry here. There are also a lot of good suggestions for improving ones writing skills. Pete |
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Inioth Junior Member
since 2003-09-18
Posts 12Calgary, Alberta |
Thanks for the comments, it's not a guy wants a girl he can't have thing. It was a guy who got royally messed up by girl and she won't leave him alone, always bringing it all back up making him watch it again and again....but for her it was over long ago....if that helps any I really don't know. Yes I see you guys get a lot of good poetry here and any comments to help me improve would be much appreciated. Thanks |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Inioth Before I make any comment I wonder if you'd tell me WHY you are writing? Please don't take offence at me asking, it's just that I want to make sure that I make comments that stand the most chance of being taken notice of by you  ).R |
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Inioth Junior Member
since 2003-09-18
Posts 12Calgary, Alberta |
I write cause I feel like writing....a way of venting I guess I write most of my stuff as like I was outside my body looking at myself, always questioning things.... I'm not insulted or offended not everyone will like what I write and I don't expect it, I am probably younger than you I'm only 20 and those poems I posted were from quite a while ago....if that helps I dunno |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
"....a way of venting I guess ..." That's great Inioth. If it's a way of venting then you should keep right on writing as you are I think. This poem is a pretty good "vent". And yep, you are certainly younger than me, regrettably  . |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Like they say Robm "Gettin' old aint for sissies." |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Maybe try rewriting in full sentences and see what happens. |
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