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bgryan
Junior Member

since 2003-06-16

Posts 30
North Ireland

0 posted 2003-09-02 11:54 AM

Dreams don't last forever
thoughts must be returned
if time should stop in december,
will the sun cease to burn?

People must give together
the love that they process
for life on earth is temporary,
from the moment of your birth!

Though heaven and hell are in me
I fail to understand
if dreams don't last forever,
what then is the purpose of man?

There may be no reason
to be or to die alone
yet I am sure of the season,
now the autumn leaves have gone!

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

1 posted 2003-09-02 01:14 PM

The rhyme scheme is inconsistent, stopping the flow. In the first and third stanzas, the first and third lines are near-rhyme, but you break this in the second and fourth stanzas, which is really quite jarring. And even though they look alike, "alone" and "gone" are not rhymes, not even assonance (near-rhyme).

cuda04
Junior Member

since 2003-09-03

Posts 46
Wisconsin,USA

2 posted 2003-09-03 12:20 PM

The purpose of the poem was great, and the way you carried it out could use some work. Judging by the style of the 2nd and 4th stanzas and the near rhyme of the others I believe you should stray away from rhyme and write poetry without it, it might help you.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2003-09-07 10:46 PM

Hi,

As I see it, the second stanza has no rhyme scheme at all; the first is 1-3, 2-4; the third is 2-4; and the fourth is 1-3, 2-4.

For a rhyming poem to really work, the rhyme scheme should remain the same throughout the poem. You have some interesting ideas and images here. Why not try and see if you can put it into a proper format?

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2003-09-07 11:37 PM

Good day,
I enjoyed the thoughts in your piece.

Just have a few pinches to make about punctuation:

* the first stance could use punctuation whereas subject seems to change:

Dreams don't last forever;
thoughts must be returned.
If time should stop in december,
will the sun cease to burn?

* The comma from the second stance may be omited.

* A comma or a semi colon is needed after "alone" in the last stance.

Also, I wasn't sure about "process" in line 6?  Did you mean to type "possess?"

As far as rhymecraft goes I didn't find the inconsistancy disturbing to the reading-quality at all.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (09-07-2003 11:50 PM).]

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