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Dar'Kain
New Member

since 2003-08-29

Posts 1
Australia

0 posted 2003-08-29 08:06 AM

Raptures, upon a broken axis,
Captured, but it’s spoken backwards,

Mind, body, soul of a shattered picture,
Mixtures, beyond this elemental confusion,
Amusement then mirth then ignorance,
Birth then demise of innocence,

Fixation is no longer thought,
Tangibility is a conquered war,
Impalpable, how could you?
Lust, that washes over this optic,

Innocence is an inner sense,
Transcending the bounds,
Tangled by responsibility,

Friction of smoldering-
Smoke, this ambivalence,
Turn the eye; watch the other,
Sew the ghost with materials,

Raptures, upon a broken axis,
Captured, but it’s spoken backwards,

Spoken backwards, broken axis,
Broken axis, spoken backwards,

Innocence is an inner sense,
Transcending the bounds,
Tangled by responsibility,

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

1 posted 2003-09-02 01:11 PM

very impressive, and quite entrancing. You have a wonderful way with words, especially how you deal with the repetition of your first stanza to excellent effect. The only thing I would change is in the lines:

"Innocence is an inner sense,
Transcending the bounds,
Tangled by responsibility"

What bounds is innocence transcending? I think these lines would be stronger if you gave the reader just a bit more information.

cuda04
Junior Member

since 2003-09-03

Posts 46
Wisconsin,USA

2 posted 2003-09-03 12:22 PM

Friction of smoldering-
Smoke, this ambivalence,
Turn the eye; watch the other,
Sew the ghost with materials,

I absolutely love that stanza, the images are amazing, keep up the great work.

Endlessecho
Member

since 2003-09-05

Posts 398
I live within myself

3 posted 2003-09-08 04:24 PM

Some really great lines in here. I especially like,

"Innocence is an inner sense,
Transcending the bounds,
Tangled by responsibility,"

Great definition.

But, throughout the rest of the poem, you seem to have overfilled it. I felt that the wordiness made the poem lose it's feeling and message.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2003-09-08 08:11 PM

Great potential here. I loved the spoken backwards line but think you've overplayed it. Also, don't forget the importance of sentences.

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