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Critical Analysis #2
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MOON DANCE
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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MOON DANCE |
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Tequilia_Sunrise Senior Member
since 2003-02-19
Posts 612Lochalsh, Ontario, Canada 
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Huntress; stir thru forest, Mutually commune by seas. Hounds address Luna's motion; Sirens wail alumna's song. Drawn fully phasing eve: Phantom silhouettes glint storms, As encourage nurtured dreams. Harmonic silence animates song. White mare, Silver grace; Beguiling taunts daybreak on. From passing moment, embrace! Softly, lunar echoes belong. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Amanda Seymour - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
that is georgeous (sorry for the bad spelling) |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
quote: Could you perhaps explain why you think this is gorgeous? I’d be interested to know because frankly I don’t see anything in this poem that could come even close to being described as gorgeous, that isn’t to say that it isn’t, being an amateur at this poetry lark I’m probably missing something. I am of course always willing to learn and the easiest way is if people who know what they’re looking for explain the nuances that I’m obviously missing. Could you be more specific please? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: I’d say, for the same reason someone else might judge a meter-less rant to be poetic—it’s a matter of personal opinion on this board. This particular piece is at least honestly trying to employ imagery and meter—however imperfect it may be at this point. Yet this sort of writing stands a much better chance at becoming a compelling read with far less revising. This of course, is my personal opinion. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Tequila The body of the poem feels a bit too cramp for the spirit it seems trying to convey. Perhaps a little more descriptiveness and tuning could bring that out very well for more clarity. Just my opinion...it is a very pleasant idea/theme. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (08-25-2003 03:16 AM).] |
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Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
I have no prob explaining, see, I think all poetry about the Craft (assuming it IS about Goddess) is gorgeous. Though maybe gorgeous is not the right word for this one, but, I love how you depict that Goddess is not just a calm mother, but She can be feirce in her night, (again assuming is is about the Craft) |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
quote: In that case my opinion is that this isn’t a very good poem. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think Legion's point here is that comments like "this is gorgeous" do nothing useful, in this forum anyway, except possibly boost the author's ego. That is not a critique. If you think it is so good then there surely must be some reason for that impression. The purpose of critique, at least here in CA, is to provide the author with something that may help improve his or her writing in the future. If you like it then try to explain why or at least what you found enjoyable. That may serve some useful purpose. If you don't like it then again try to explain why. More likely though there is some good and some bad in most of what we see posted here. Some are certainy more proficient at critique than others but if we are to comment at all then we should at least do our best to give something worthwhile. Some advice will naturally be more valid than others but we are all entitled to our opinions. Thank you, Brigid, for coming back with your explanation. Pete |
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Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
LOL! I love how you give this dandy long reply on saying how I need to do more than boost the author's ego and then at the end thank me for explaining my comment. You are funny. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Then again, if one can’t make the case as to why or why not, why should anyone care about his/her opinion? Sid@cynicsRus.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (08-25-2003 05:46 PM).] |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
quote: Which was my point in the first place.  |
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Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
Pray tell, What flaws, in your eyes, hath thou found in thus poem that maketh it an unpleasant one at that? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Won't you please to partake in critiquing the piece itself. That is why the poetess posted in this forum I assume. [This message has been edited by Essorant (08-25-2003 08:02 PM).] |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
Well there’s line one and two for starters: Line one: Huntress – which huntress Diana? If it is why not explain that instead of leaving the reader to guess, I don’t mean say it straight out, giving the reader more clues might help. Line one: Thru – the word is through, I could understand (barely) if the shortened version used was to help the poem scan better but there’s no difference in this case either way. Line two: Mutually – Who? Mutually infers more than one entity but so far we’ve only met the huntress (though we don’t know who she is). Unless you’re talking about the huntress and the forest mutually communing by seas in which case you need to explain how and why. Then in general: The poem reads like a disjointed list of lines vaguely strung together based solely on the tenuous link of them all having something to do with the moon. It doesn’t tell me anything, which isn’t a problem if imagery, cadence, meter or even a rhyme scheme act as a device to carry the poem but in this case (my opinion only), this poem has none of those characteristics. (why do I feel this is some sort of a test?) [This message has been edited by Legion (08-25-2003 08:57 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: You’re wrong about both the imagery and the meter. As I inferred previously, even though, it’s not perfect. it appears the author is at least attempting to employ both of these devices, I’m not sure how much more rhythmically you’d have her write the first stanza. It’s only in L3 where there is a slight trip of the tongue. This could easily be remedied by changing “address” to “addressing” If she wished to maintain the same Trochaic meter in the second stanza, it would require perhaps adding a word after “Drawn” such as “on” or “out” or rewording it. But, that’s my opinion—it has to be the author’s vision. The third stanza begins on a completely different cadence. (Speaking of the first two lines), I would submit that this adds to, rather than detracts from the overall piece. The last two lines I feel need the most work as far as fixing the meter. They are completely disconnected metrically from the rest. I’m really not sure how to critique the imagery, since fantasy/mythology is not my forte, but it’s present in this piece nevertheless. This poem has the beginnings of something worthwhile and is by no means a bad first attempt. Sid@cynicsRus.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (08-26-2003 07:29 PM).] |
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Tequilia_Sunrise Senior Member
since 2003-02-19
Posts 612Lochalsh, Ontario, Canada |
Thank you very much cynicsRus. I don't usualy post in here but this is somthing I wish to work on more and I thought this was the way, guess I was wrong. I came here for critiques and would like it if I could get some rather than just tell me the fact you didnt like it. Tell me why and what I can do better. I'd think if you thought I was such a terrible writer, you would at lest tell me what I could do better, Or if you dont like it and have nothing CONSTRUCTIVE to say, Don't say anyhting please. THANK-YOU |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Tequila, Just some friendly advice gained from experience posting on a few much more confrontational forums: Don't be too quick to take offense. Simply take comments at face value. Use what you can and discard the rest. In the end, they're all relative. Others can help you in refining the meter, etc., but yours is the heart that will be exposed in your poetry, no one else's. Just keep writing, and don’t get discouraged. Sid@cynicsRus.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (08-26-2003 12:43 AM).] |
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Tequilia_Sunrise Senior Member
since 2003-02-19
Posts 612Lochalsh, Ontario, Canada |
thankx |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I definately agree that it has potential. There is plenty of imagery here. There has been some pretty good critical analysis given so far but I might add one impression, and it is an impression more than anything. Each line seems too independent, almost to the point of being disjointed, sort of like writing in unrelated sentence fragments. I suspect that was the effect you inteded but it just didn't work for me as well as it might. I would rather see it flow logically from line to line, maybe include some serious enjambment even but certainly clean up those fragments. Thanks for posting. You have also done a service for the forum in helping remind us of our actual purpose here, constructive criticism. Thanks, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (08-26-2003 10:20 AM).] |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
nice imagery, i thought it was nice. although some people here hate on other people's work for some reason, i thought it was nice. quote: "I’d say, for the same reason someone else might judge a meter-less rant to be poetic—it’s a matter of personal opinion on this board." Hey Cynic, was this in reference to me? |
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Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
There are good points of improvement on this poem. But I still think it is gorgeous. Hee Hee |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
quote: I never said the author wasn’t attempting them I said that the poem wouldn’t be as bad if those devices acted as a crutch carry the reader past the fact that the poem doesn’t tell me anything. A good poem generally has at least one well applied device to tempt the reader into reading it all, the best have several, I know it’s a generalisation but to would be poets I believe generalisations can be a useful start. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: You did indeed imply as much by saying it “has none of those characteristics” . I was simply attempting to make the opposite case. I’ll at least grant that you attempted to qualify your remarks there. Unlike your second post wherein you simply called it bad, without so much as explaining why. quote: Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (09-07-2003 06:41 PM).] |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
I actually said that I didn’t think it was a very good poem, which was I’ll admit a rather tongue in check response to your suggestion that “it’s a matter of personal opinion”. A critique isn’t simply a matter of personal opinion unless it contains, as you rightly pointed out, at least one reason to qualify the critic’s opinion. We’re both in fact banging the same drum, you reacted to my unqualified opinion in exactly the same way I reacted to the “gorgeous” comment, neither were critiques the only difference between them being one wasn’t meant to be. Pete picked up on it if you read his post, that’s probably due to the fact that he knows how much I enjoy reading a good critique and how much I abhor the “awesome” one liners that have become more prevalent in CA over the years. Speaking of good critiques takes me nicely onto mine which I’ll readily admit wasn’t that good, not because it was wrong, I still maintain the points I made were relevant, it wasn’t that good because of the tone I used. It isn’t my usual style to beat a poet around the head with their pride and joy (that’s the Ogre’s job  ) and I apologise to the author for my bluntness.Craig |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Craig, Very much appreciate the clarity. I respect your opinion and regret I didn’t recognize your tongue in cheek approach. That was the inference I meant to be drawn from my first sentence as well, based on my statements in a previous thread. You’re right about this particular drum too. But, I think I’ll put down the sticks now. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (09-07-2003 08:44 PM).] |
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