»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
What would I do for you?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
What would I do for you? |
|
|
kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
You know, I'd do anything for you. If you'd ask me to, I'd die for you. You may ask why I'd do so, well I don't know. Maybe it was your smile. Maybe it was your eyes looking at me all the while. Maybe it was your pretty face. Maybe it was because when you're not around you make me pace. Whatever they reason may be. When you're not around, I miss you, like a blind man, yearning to see. I miss you, like a slave, yearning to be free. Well, whatever my reasons are, I miss you. I dream of the day in which I finally kiss you. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Jorge Vega - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
This is a good poem with some good metaphors, but it also has a couple of inherent flaws. first of all, the rhyming is a little jerky and that throws the rhythm off, too. for example, in the lines You may ask why I'd do so, well I don't know. so and know do rhyme, but the length of the lines is different (i think the 2nd line is too short) so when read it sounds funky. you might consider adding a few words, maybe something like this: you may ask me why I'd do so, and I'd tell you that I don't know. the rhythm still isnt perfect, but at least now the lines have the same number of syllables and it sounds less jerky. the same thing might be done with the following lines: Maybe it was your pretty face. Maybe it was because when you're not around you make me pace. the second line definitely seems to have the most forced rhyme of the entire poem; it is just too long to quite fit with the first. a second thing that I noticed about this poem is a slight disagreement of tenses: for most of the poem, you are speaking in the present tense; for example, You know, I'd do anything for you or When you're not around, I miss you, like a blind man, yearning to see. but then, in the middle, you have the lines: Maybe it was your smile. Maybe it was your eyes looking at me all the while. Maybe it was your pretty face. Maybe it was because when you're not around you make me pace. in these lines, you are using the past tense. i suggest changing them to present, so that they would read: Maybe it's your smile. Maybe it's your eyes looking at me all the while. Maybe it's your pretty face. Maybe it's because when you're not around you make me pace. also, there should be a comma, not a period after Whatever they reason may be. the only other thing that I have to say is that the last line might sound better if it were I dream of the day when I will finally kiss you. rather than I dream of the day in which I finally kiss you. this just seems to flow better. sorry, that critique was kind of longer than the poem itself, but i hope it was helpful rather than annoying. i actually really liked this poem and enjoyed reading it, just thought it could use a few minor adjustments. ~rose |
||
|
kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
hey, thanks alot for your suggestions. i'm gonna try to improve upon my poem according to them. thanks again |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
