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Critical Analysis #2
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Exotica
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Exotica |
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IndigoEve Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279Etched in the illusion of time 
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I want people to critique this with everything that they've got. I want it to be nitpicked to the very last stanza, word, poetic thought. I desperately seek criticism.. As the sky falls, heaven dims And the twilight begins her descent Giver of relief to the foreign world of nighttime Deep within A lady sleeps... She is elsewhere Trapped within the boundaries of a fantasy Sweet midsummer remembering One lifeless breeze drifts through the open window, curtains fluttering soundlessly, Barely an ease to this humidity The hot nights of summer Revealed The air is lucid on this illusive, dusky eve Warmth clings to her body As her delicate fingers clutch the covers in vain (Can you feel the way she moves in her mind's dreaming, [lissome and whole] The cadence of an unbroken slumber is nigh) Dreams dance wildly in her head tonight (Weaving an ancient desire for motion like never before) Searching, The stars fall and cling to her darkened hair With one hand grasping the fabrics of a dress painted by Prussian blue She follows the harvest moon Unsettled She turns in her bed, Whilst disquietude from afar comes to kiss her lips Softly the rhythmic pounding of a vacant nightmare grows (midnight is heightened outside her door) One by one, her glories fade Unknowing that she no longer exists in reality, She lives entranced Taken captive 'neath the light's faint spell Lost to the exotica of illusion, is she The air still tastes of limpidity, ever so... She remains Morning will never come (Ages to be stricken by eternity) All in the mind of a restless dreamer Will you ever find your peace? For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.--"Romeo and Juliet" [This message has been edited by IndigoEve (08-10-2003 10:46 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Here are my impressions Eve. First, it reads like a narrative introduction to a novel or some other prose. There is too much description, to the point that nothing else comes through. If you want to describe and set up the scene poticaly, you need to get away from the narrative style and do it more metaphorically. Also, I don't see any reasn for the visual form. Why the blank lines where they are? Why the italicized sections? I suspect they are for emphasis or to set off a parenthetical element but for the most part those emphasized elements don't seem to deserve it. Finally then, it is just way too wordy. I think you could trim it a third or more by just carefully taking out many of the unnecessary words. For prose, they may be useful but give poetry readers a little more credit. They expect to have to fill in some of the "she said", and "he has", etc. JMHO, Pete |
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rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
i've read this poem a number of times now; every time i open up this site i find myself opening up your poem eventualy. i have never replied to it because i could never quite formulate a coherent opinion besides being really impressed. however, i think that now i have finally done so. i absolutely love this poem; every time i read it i am impressed anew. i love your choice of words and the way that you have used them to create images. i especially like the images in the lines: Searching, The stars fall and cling to her darkened hair With one hand grasping the fabrics of a dress painted by Prussian blue She follows the harvest moon i love the flow of the poem: you have broken up your lines to add to the dream-like quality of the piece; this is great. i like your unique use of parantheses which also contributes to the surreal tone. again, i really enjoyed this piece: it was really unique and creative; thank you for posting it. ~rose |
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