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Critical Analysis #2

Autumn's Short Surrender

rh287
New Member

since 2003-08-04

Posts 7

0 posted 2003-08-15 10:41 AM

Autumn’s Surrender
With autumn’s shed entangled throughout her long blonde strands,
Marsha entertains in adorable fantasy.

Might some future travail possible forge her ghostly friends more precious?
Perhaps brief respite in moments of illusive and faint memory?

Despite this autumn, so quick to yield upon winter’s fury;
Will leave sweet Marsha to wither in adulthood’s cold realities.

[This message has been edited by rh287 (08-15-2003 10:42 AM).]

grassy ninja
Junior Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 41
Kentucky

1 posted 2003-08-19 11:48 AM

normally, i don't say this, but i think this poem ends too quickly.  the last couplet seems rushed and the message is a little unclear with the wording.  i really like the first stanza.
"With autumn’s shed entangled throughout her long blonde strands,
Marsha entertains in adorable fantasy."
beautiful scene.  i like the use of the personal name.  i'm not sure i like the use of the word entertain here, but otherwise, great start to the poem.

"Might some future travail possible forge her ghostly friends more precious?
Perhaps brief respite in moments of illusive and faint memory?"

in the next couplet, i really feel like you need some adverbs here to make this more readable.  maybe make "possible" "possibly."  also you don't have complete sentences here as you did in the first couplet.  that is why i suggest making this piece a little bit longer, so that you can make these scenes a little clearer to the reader.

"Despite this autumn, so quick to yield upon winter’s fury;
Will leave sweet Marsha to wither in adulthood’s cold realities"

i don't think the word "despite" works here for the sentence structure set up here.  you have no subject for the "despite" to act upon in the second line.  good luck with this poem.  it has a lot of potential.

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