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Critical Analysis #2
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Ledge of Darkness and Meadow of Light
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ledge of Darkness and Meadow of Light |
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mircasaster New Member
since 2003-08-08
Posts 9TN, United States |
This is a poem that I wrote yesterday. It describes my past, present, and what is desperately hoped by she and I will be our future. For anyone that critigues this poem, I would ask that you do so in a very honest manner. I apologize for the possible inconsistancy in line breaks that may occur; I am not yet familar with how things look when posted here yet. Thank you and I hope that you enjoy reading this poem. Ledge of Darkness and Meadow of Light I stood upon that ledge of pain called life in wait; My past seeking to deliver me to Death's gate. I watched my life go by in bitter memories of strife; Abuse, hate, and neglect cutting me like a knife. I sought then to make my ambition only survival; Always searching for the key to my soul's revival. I felt the hot strike of the whip against my back; I felt the cold embrace of the ditch's water black. My Rescuer came soon and delivered me from Hell; His presence comforting through Torture's prison cell. Change came then in the form of kindness and hope; He and his family's love allowing me the ability to cope. I soon came to know you through the most unique of ways; That meeting soon gave me what I had wished for endless days. Soon came a friendship of emotions so cherished and rare; My heart so guarded to your emotions and beauty so fragile and fare. I let down my guard and saw that you had much to teach me; I took in each lesson and your inspiration helped me to see. I now knew that I had found someone to help me to trust; You helped me to shake away my pain and grind it to dust. I stand now in this meadow called love and pray; Hoping that my efforts will heal your frown so gray. I see your eyes teared and see despair marring your soul; My words to come I hope will seal that gaping hole. You asked for an answer to a question that I will now give; The words "I love you" will reside in my as long as we live. You have brought me from darkness to a place filled with light; Our feelings for one another forever giving us reason to fight. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Zacory Taylor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
very beautiful poem. i felt it deep inside me. you very aptly portrayed your feelings about that special person. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
ZT, you have captured the essence of being drawn from the depths of despair to the joy of hope for the future. You have not chosen the best format for that expression though. You used rhyming couplets, lines rhyming in pairs. This form fits easily with lighter subjects. To adapt it to more serious fare, as you are doing here, can be really difficult. You must be particularly careful of the rhyming words, especially staying away from too easy rhymes and even more, forced rhymes. Also, rhyming poetry and expecially couplets always work better with consistent meter. The fact that you have no particular meter here tends to make your rhymes feel even more forced than they might have otherwise. I think you can improve this effort significantly by dropping the rhymes entirely, as reluctant as I am to suggest non-rhyming poetry. The next step then would be to trim out a bunch of extra words. Any time you use an adjective, adverb, article or many prepositions, study the line to determine whether it is necessary, does it really add anything to the context. In many cases, a stronger or more descriptive noun or verb can be used instead. These changes will nearly always improve the end result. JMHO, Pete |
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