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Critical Analysis #2
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scuffedshoe2
Junior Member
since 2003-08-04
Posts 39


0 posted 2003-08-04 04:54 PM


Three friends and I get on reed-boat
We step off the dock carefully
Its not yet morning
And the planks that make the dock are covered in slippery moss
There is a shadow, a vague outline of a black clothed figure
That sits at the front of the boat
He does not move
He does not speak
But he tells us to sit still
And to stay silent
We begin to travel down the river were floating on in our reed-boat
The water ripples away from us as we slide silently over its diamond encrusted surface
The fog that cloaks us from eyes that may have seen us from a near-by river bank
Is extremely thick, and surrounds us, but is not close enough to us to touch
It looks like white silk, cool and slippery
I wish I was naked, and could roll in it
I look one of my friends in the eyes
And can tell the same thought is crossing her mind
There is no noise around us
In this a gray and brown morning in the middle of a river
Somewhere on our journey of life
Were going in a straight line reason tells me
But I know that, that cannot be
No one ever gets where they want to go by traveling in a straight line
Or very rarely
Will I know my way back
When the fog subsides
And the sun starts to shine
When the figure has dropped us off?
Will any of my friends, if I dont
Have they been paying attention?
I hope more so than I have
The figure sends out a wave
an invisible, silent wave of fear
Each of us in unison turn our heads to him
He tells us without words to stay quiet
He is sensing our rising curiosity
He senses the questions brewing in our minds
We cannot speak
Hes just doing his job
We jerk to a stop
After we all turned to the figure
I spent my time trying to breathe s quietly as possible
Trying not to move at all
Trying not to blink, because that to made a tiny noise
The foggy morning air helped a lot
In the midst of all of this effort
My sense of time was lost
And again I had not been paying attention
Have I missed something important?
I cant worry about that now
Once again
Ill have to rely on my friends
The shore line we stop at is grassy and muddy
Each of us step out, all but one
Two of us were out when we turned around to find the third friend hadnt moved at all
the figure and the boat slipped away into the morning
silently
none of us spoke to question her
no one shouted after her, wanting her to come back
we all looked at each other, my two friends and I
and looked away expressionless
and I led the way now
we marched through the now dominantly brown hazy morning
through patches of wet bamboo
weaving between countless trees
until wed come to a hut
it to covered almost completely in moss
their was a fire inside
I just knew somehow
And so did my friends
We went inside
And let down out burdens and sat around the fire expressionless
I tried to remember the last time anyone had talked
I tried to think of something to say to break the silence
But I couldnt think of anything
So I left it up to one of my friends
Finally someone spoke
Does anyone know where we are
the sound of a voice scared me
and it scared our other fried as well
NoI hesitated to speak anymore
after just one word
the sound of my own voice was surprising
it had been so long since last Id herd any voice
besides the aged, wise voice I let speak for me inside
No I dont
the third fried spoke
I dont either, but I think maybe if we all pieced together the little bits we remember, we could paint an entire picture.
For the next hour or so, who can say how long it was
We each shared out version of he story
How we started
To where we were now
Three different accounts
Of the exact same journey
How different and similar we are
My friends and I
And after all our sharing, and thinking
We still didnt know
Im tired, I said Lets just go to sleep.
We cant, we have to figure this out.
we can figure it out later
Yeah, lets rest a while, with some sleep, our heads will become clearer, and things will be easier to figure out.
Fine, you two sleep, I staying up and figuring this out.
So we did, my one remaining female friend and I slept across from each other
I winked at her before we went to sleep
And she smiled and tried to wink back
But both of her eyes squeezed shut, and we both giggled
The next morning
I woke up freezing
The fire had gone out
And she was still sleeping
So I took a blanket from my backpack
And spread it over her
She didnt even flinch
She was so tired, I could tell from the look on her face
I looked around outside for my third friend
But he was gone
maybe hes just off on a walk
but I knew he wasnt coming back
I was always sharp like that
I always had that advantage
When I chose to listen anyway
So I went back inside the hut
And woke her up
my last remaining friend
Id lost two so far
Ill have to be careful not to loose this one
And while she thawed from a long slumber
It dawned on me that the light, the temperature, everything
Was just the same as we left it
When wed decided to go to sleep
I know my body and trust it
And I know what it feels like
To get a good nights sleep
And my body was telling me that Id slept a full night
But he sky was telling me that I hadnt slept for more than ten minutes
I looked a my friend
And she looked at me
We were thinking the same thing again
But we did not speak
We just strapped on our burdens and left the hut the way we found it
Empty
There is no end to this journey
No discovery of civilization at last
I even end up loosing my last remaining friend
The sky never changed
And nether do my surroundings
I am experiencing the same acre of land
Square for square over and over again
I continue to loose concentration
I continue to miss the signs
That would point me in the right direction
If Id only correctly budget my time


© Copyright 2003 scuffedshoe2 - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2003-08-04 07:37 PM


If you would clean up all the misspellings, correct the punctuation and trim it by about 50 per cent, you might have a start at an essay. As poetry, I don't see how it could be fixed.

There are a few hundred too many words to start with. Then except for the dark figure in the boat, there is no meaningful imagery. You are simply narrating a series of events. Although it is an old cliche it is still true, poetry should show rather than tell.

Contractions in the English language always include an apostrophe yet you used none. Your lines simply run on and seem to ramble. Although you do have some punctuation, much of it is incorrect and so much more is needed in order for the reader to make sense of this.

I don't like to be harsh but you probably should just scrap this piece. You might be able to salvage the idea by including some imagery and trimming most of the words away but I think it will take a great dea of skill to cover so much territory in one poem.

Of course, this is all just one opinion and it is your property so do as you see fit.

Pete

scuffedshoe2
Junior Member
since 2003-08-04
Posts 39

2 posted 2003-08-04 10:21 PM


hey pete-

hey thanks man. I actually don't care for this one all that much. I just wanted to hear what people have to say. Thanks for reading, and i didn't think you were harsh at all.
http://rustychariot.tripod.com

make sure you find my other stuff and give it a combing for em too if you'd like to.

grassy ninja
Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41
Kentucky
3 posted 2003-08-04 10:49 PM


i, too, had a hard time with this poem.  for one, when i tried to use the review topic icon, my computer couldn't pull it up because the poem was too long and the whole thing froze up.  second, you have a long poem, with long lines, long sentences, written in one long stanza.  there are also many places where you repeat yourself.  when you tell us you are going down the river, you don't have to tell us again that you are in the boat made of reeds.  that is implied by the lines before.
i agree with Not A Poet's assessment.  this piece is more like prose, maybe a stream of consciousness piece.  one thing that i try when i'm trying to shorten my poem is to rewrite it using half as many lines as i used in the original draft.  if you can't decide what to keep, try writing from memory.  if you sit down and write just what you remember from the poem, without looking at it, you're more likely to remember what was important, not to mention what lines you found most effective.  good luck.  

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2003-08-05 09:24 AM


That sounds like an effective technique for trimming a long piece. I like it.


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