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Critical Analysis #2

No One Cares

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

0 posted 2003-08-01 09:04 PM

You're leaving me.
Deserting,
leaving me drowning
in waves of pain.
I fight to hold back tears,
fighting in vain.
No one cares.

Choking rage
fills my heart,
tightening it's grip,
squeezing,
as my clinched fingers
open and close,
drawing blood in my palms.

How can you love another,
want another and not me?
My world shatters
as you walk away,
and no one cares,
but me.

Mary

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2003-08-04 02:14 PM

HI,

I think you've done an excellent job of expressing emotion here, though some of it is what could be termed as cliche. If there was a way you could equate this emotion to something else, and write it metaphorically, it could work out very nicely. Just my humble opinion.....

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

2 posted 2003-08-05 05:29 AM

Kris,
Thank you for responding to the poem and for your suggestions. I realize I am not that good at this yet. The words are inside me, but getting them on paper the right way is another thing. I do appreciate your input very much. Thanks again.
Mary

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