»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
An Unrequited Love
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
An Unrequited Love |
|
|
rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
I wrote this poem to play with rhyme scheme and rhythm more than anything else. Some of the lines are a little jerky and I can’t get them quite right…I would love it if somebody could help me out!! An Unrequited Love In the darkness of the night a blooming flower, prolonged white draws to her a subtle moth, his wings a pale and gentle froth against the blackness of the sky. Ensnared is he in passing by: the heady fragrance of the bloom lures him forward through the gloom. Hesitant, he flutters in the air, alighting here, then quickly there only to again take wing and fly above the blossoming. Softly curving petals outward fold and with their palest beauty hold the moth entranced and love-bewitched. His feathery antennae quiver, his wings of powdered silver shiver to look upon his darling rose! Her slender stem in such a graceful pose, her exquisite leaves of silken green, her tawny thorns of bite so keen! But most dazzling, her upturned face: petals pure and white like finest lace. Admiringly he circles above her, darts and flits in silent hover. To land upon her is unthinkable, to fly away would be unbearable. All night, all day, for days and nights, he continues his devoted flight until his silent love consumes him and his dedication dooms him. Softly, softly, his wings are still. His weightless body flutters to the earth. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 rose - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
j0n4th4n Member
since 2003-03-11
Posts 94 |
i love the fact that you've had a go at a more 'traditional' form, which i appreciate is very difficult to express your ideas in as you would fully wish (thats why i never do it).. but i believe you've succeded in writing a flowing and captivating poem, that has consistent form and rhythm! well done! |
||
|
mircasaster New Member
since 2003-08-08
Posts 9TN, United States |
Hello, Rose, I am new to this site, so I hope that you do not mind my criticsm (having not read your work before now). I enjoyed sincerely enjoyed your poem; the imagery was magnificent. However, as you have mentioned the rhyme is slightly inconsistant in certain areas and is, in three point in the poem, nonexistant. I am no professional concerning poetry by any means; I am only 13 after all, however, if you wish, I can attempt to give you some constructive editing advice via email. I say via email because it will make for too lengthy of a post to do it here. I do believe, given some minor changes to the wording and some slightly modified adverbs (hesitantly instead of hesitant, for example), your poem would add intrigue to the absolutely beautiful imagery used. |
||
|
MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Rose, I think your poem is just beautiful. I am no expert, for sure, but I really enjoyed it. |
||
|
rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
thank you all for your kind comments about my poem...i really appreciated them. and mircasaster, thanks for the email--it helped. ~rose |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
