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Stripped
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Stripped |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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Stripped If I stood before you, bared of all my words, my wardrobe, my posturing - I wonder what you would think of me then, seeing me stripped down to my soul. I wonder if you would embrace me or push me away, for you would not see a strong, intelligent woman there - you would see someone too shy and too sensitive for her own good. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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| © Copyright 2003 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Interesting and enjoyable read here. Oh, there will be those who complain about mentioning soul but I thought it made your point better than anything else I could think of. As you probably suspect, I am still trying to understand how free verse works. In this case it does seem clear, except for: quote: I wonder why you included "there" as it just doesn't seem necessary to me. I think I would have combined it into one line and written, a strong, intelligent woman - Does that make any sense? Thanks, Pete |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Warmhrt I thought this was well-flowing and expressed in Free Vers. I appreciate "there" as I think it corresponds well with "then" in the first stance, and adds effective emphasis. Very decently written to my deem. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (07-30-2003 02:59 PM).] |
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Ford Junior Member
since 2003-05-11
Posts 12Arkansaw |
Hey- I really enjoyed this. Sometimes we feel, at least me anyway, that people might only like us because of the way we dress, or a fancy way we talk, or any other tangible features we might have, and thus put on a facade that we feel will please other people. Very good reflection. bared of all my words, my wardrobe, my posturing - It might just be me, but I don't really like the repetition of "my", so if it were me, I would try something like this: If I stood before you, bared of all- words, wardrobes, whims- I also like the alliteration of the "w" sound, so I thought it might be good to put in another W, in place of posturing. In my opinion, posturing rather messes up the flow I had going with all the W's. Also, you might want to consider taking out the phrase "I wonder" wherever you see it. I think it's very unnecessary, and I feel that the shorter your poem is, the more impact it will have. That's about all I have, I would love to hear what you think about my feeble suggestions. Well done again. Ford |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you very much, all of you. I will certainly consider your suggestions (and good ones they were, I might add). Thx again, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
I must admit, I am still trying to understand how free form works so I am not one to give advice in this area. Still, I know what I like, and this one I like very much. |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
hi. i just wanted to comment on this poem. i like the way it's light on imagery to go along with the title "stripped." you could even take a step further and go for the minimalist approach, or possibly shorter lines: If I stood before you, bared of all my words, my wardrobe, posturing - (i do agree with the dropping of the second "my") (I wonder) what you would (also with dropping the "i wonder") think of me (then,) seeing me stripped down (to my soul.) (i think "to my soul" is unneccessary, something about the word soul doesn't seem stripped. to me it connotes something much more complicated. words like "core" work better for me, but it's just my opinion) (I wonder if) you would (possibly change to "would you") embrace me or push me away, (for) you would not see a strong, intelligent woman there - you would see someone too shy (and) too sensitive for her own good i love the idea of "too sensitive." very Romantic. i automatically thought of goethe's "the sorrows of young werther." i know it's a bit of a stretch, but still  i hope i didn't rewrite your poem here. i really like it as is, just had some suggestions. thanks for the read. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Ms. Orchid, Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words. grassy, I liked what you did...but sometimes I feel certain poems lend themselves to the minimalist approach, and others don't...usually by what is contained in them. I feel this is one of those poems. Thank you so much anyway. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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