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Critical Analysis #2
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When heroin cries (Cannot punctuate this..help?)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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When heroin cries (Cannot punctuate this..help?) |
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just a junkie Member
since 2003-03-04
Posts 53 |
When Heroin Cries An empty carcass A vacant shell Searching for heaven residing in hell weeping walls With dying dreams savage chaos silent screams Poisoned blood in dirty syringes, muscle aches and body cringes. Happiness died in yesterdays bag. Today's hope in a blood-soaked rag. Sneaking around blistered lies No one listens when heroin cries. Just a Junkie |
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| © Copyright 2003 just a junkie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mystic1 Junior Member
since 2003-07-25
Posts 14Definitely not Kansas |
Your poetry is great, your message straight forward and blunt. I know from where you speak. I've got HepC and HIV from my I.V. drug use. Getting off the iron horse is certainly not easy. Use poetry to cleanse your mind; use your higher power to cleanse your soul. "When suffering knocks on your door and you say there is no seat, he tells you not to worry he has brought his own stool" -Chinua Achebe Still watching, still dreaming |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I've been trying to punctuate this one for years, and can't seem to parse this sentence to end with the finality of a period. I offer no critique. Just felt the need to let you know, you are not alone... |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
my favorite line of this is "happiness died in yesterday's bag." i love it so much, i almost wish that was what the poem was called. the reason i like that part so much is because it's the most personal line to me. it's very difficult to write about drug use without saying things that have already been said, or glamorizing it, or sounding too impersonal. that line manages to avoid all of those things, and is still very effective. i'm not a huge fan of the aabb rhyme scheme, and in the particular case, i think it doesn't do much to help your poem. think of how it sounds kind of sing-song when you read it out loud. i'm not sure, that may be what you're going for, and i could even understand it if it was, but there are other rhyme schemes that i think would better suit the poem's tone. my suggestion would be to try it without trying to rhyme, or maybe trying intentionally not to rhyme. |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
the punctuation really didn't look bad. i have to say though, it was an awesome poem. emotional without the baggage. |
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