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D'nal
New Member

since 2001-07-02

Posts 7

0 posted 2002-04-10 02:02 AM

A rose is something so beautiful and free,
a real treasure for all eyes to see.
Such a simple thing to bring one joy,
never to be considered any mans' toy.
As you admire it, don't forget it's thorns,
because,oh yes,a rose too can be scorned.
And although it's shape, size and color may vary,
we should never forget the love that it carries.
And even with all the roses in the crowd,
none like this can make me stand proud.
So when you ask me what a rose is,
I say YOU.

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

1 posted 2002-04-10 01:35 PM

I feel that rhyming poetry is a difficult thing to pull off, when it fails it can damage an otherwise
good poem. Some of your rhymes lack power, and seem a bit cliché, especially the lines
"As you admire it, don't forget it's thorns,
because,oh yes,a rose too can be scorned."

I really like the line "never to be considered any mans' toy"
Though the line before it is kind of weak.

These are just my thoughts on the poem, I enjoyed the read but I feel that you could
strengthen the rhyme and flesh the poem out a bit more.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

2 posted 2002-04-22 03:59 PM

Hi there,

I don't know whether this helps, but what would you think of making this into a sonnet? You do have the "turn" at the end already (although the short line is inconsistent with the rest and you might consider making everything a similar length), plus you already have a sonnet-like rhyme scheme. It just seems that a sonnet would improve the flow a bit, and you would have to make all the lines the same number of syllables, if not all iambic too. I agree with the above comments as well. Also, I don't know what you're going for with the rose being scorned thing. It rhymes, but I'm kind of confused. In general, I think the main difficulty is that you've picked a tough subject. I realize it's hard to say something new about the rose, since there are so many cliches out there, but try not to get stuck in them.

Here's something else that might strengthen the poem: what about taking out the you's? It would, I think, make it seem more sincere and less "preachy". Tell us about the speaker's experience. It seems like this is the poem you want to write, not a lesson to the reader; I think the talking-to-the-reader parts are going in a different direction. Does that help at all?

Ashley

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