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Critical Analysis #2
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Which version is better?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Which version is better? |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind 
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Quiet Pasture In a prairie where flowers bloom, somehow I feel lonely. Not a bird in miles, nor a house close nearby- I alone stand in a quiet village. When snow falls, I should feel peace, somehow my emotions are too flat. Not sad, nor happy, just not motivated. I walk alone with numb feet. Quiet wind walks with heavy boots, somehow I think I'm deaf. Not a word is uttered, nor voice of nature is heard. I alone observe quiet pastures. Version 2 In a praire white with snow somehow I feel lonely. Not a bird in miles, nor a house nearby- I alone stand in an empty sky. When snow falls, I should feel peace, somehow my emotions are too flat. Not sad nor happy, I'm cold and tired. I alone walk with numb feet. Quiet wind, I walk with heavy boots, somehow I think I'm deaf. Not a word is uttered, nor voice of nature is heard. I alone observe endless quietness. //Please feel free to correct my diction and grammer. Eliza Simmons |
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| © Copyright 2002 Eliza Simmons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hello aries, I can feel the emotion in this, but I think it's held back a bit, perhaps because you're trying to make the stanzas fit a specific form (especially in version 2). I think version one is more natural-sounding, but I think the flow / rhythm needs some work. I like everyday-ish phrases like "just not motivated", but they seem jarring close to your archaic "I alone..." which is a little much, IMHO. I'm big on simple expressions of emotion, although I know everyone wants to have a poetic flourish in there! Maybe if you extended the poem and/or gave us more specific imagery? Eg. what flowers are blooming? What does the field and the village look like? Is this an imaginary or real setting? Right now I'm not sure about the answers to these questions. Obviously you're dealing with isolation, but we need to feel it as much as you probably do when you read / write the poem. I think more specificity and improving the rhythm would help. Keep at it. Ashley |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
thank you I will work on it, and may repost or send you a copy to critic later.  Eliza Simmons |
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