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Critical Analysis #2
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Expectations
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Expectations |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA 
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Hi, I'm in serious need of severe in depth critiques  So hopefully I'll be able to see what anyone has to say and expand my horizons a bit more..thanks..Expectations more than one can handle Consuming more than I can swallow Shrouded by an endless desmise As I'm constantly lost within destiny's eyes Caught up in unnecessary drama Cradling back and forth crying for another To hold me like no other Just to be able to reach me As I'm stuck within these Faerie tale pages Of White Knights And living happily ever after... |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
ceinwyn-- ok, i see this piece as the speaker saying "i'm caught in a bad situation here, and i really need someone to help me, or at least to understand." all well and good, and nicely expressed in parts if a little obscure. but i think you'd have a more satisfying poem if you clued the reader in a little about what the situation is, gave the reader something to hang a hat of empathy on (if empathy indeed is what you're going for). the speaker here could be an overweight seven year-old boy complaining about having to clean up his room, or it could be someone like laura bush or hilary clinton. if you revised this by going through the piece and at every turn, went for the specific, rather than the general, i think you'd have a much stronger poem. whose expectations? what drama? etc. make us feel it. just an opinion, of course. good luck, jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (04-06-2002 02:04 AM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
ok rhyme is not my strong point, I find that it can choke a poem if it does not work. And here I find that the rhyme works against the poem, especially the lines " Cradling back and forth crying for another To hold me like no other Just to be able to reach me" You have some strong images here " Expectations more than one can handle Consuming more than I can swallow Shrouded by an endless demise As I'm constantly lost within destiny's eyes" I am confused by the last part I am guessing that you are wishing for a "happy every after" The line "As I'm stuck" and the rest of the poem hint that you are in a situation that you don't want to be in, but the lines " within these Faerie tale pages Of White Knights And living happily ever after..." contradict this. IF you are being sarcastic you need to clarify it, Maybe "within these Faerie tale pages Of White Knights And not so living happily ever after..." Or "I am dreaming of Faerie tale pages… And living happily ever after." Other wise enjoyed the read. A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde |
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NapalmsConstantlyConfused
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529 |
that, and this is a picky point, but use a spell-checker - misspellings, whether due to typos or just plain bad spelling, detract from the poem's impact no matter how well written it is... "Demise" not "desmise" like i said, minor, and picky, but it DOES make a difference... |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hello Ceinwyn, Thanks for posting and asking for in-depth pointers. It's great when people are here to improve their skills. I'll point out what I see. Reading your constructive critiques caption right now, I must say that it's not a matter of being a bad or a good poet, it's about making each piece the best it can be. Even pieces, I think, shouldn't be thought of as bad or good, but as always in process. This means you can judge them by how much work they need to get them where you want them to be. Beating yourself over the head isn't going to make you a better writer (as easy as it is to fall into that trap), whereas be willing to put the effort in will. Just had to say that quickly. Now on to your poem, which I did enjoy, although I thought it could be improved upon... In the first part, you give us a list of images, but don't elaborate on them or tell us specifically what you have in mind. I think, in general, this needs to be longer. In the first line, I have several questions: what expectations? If you mean "I" and not "one" (which I think you do, as it's "I" who's speaking through the rest), say "I" here. "Consuming more than I can swallow" - I like this image (and you've effectively side-stepped the cliche 'bitting off more than I can chew') but I'm not sure if you want me to link it to the first line, and this makes me confused about the meaning, i.e., are you trying to swallow expecations, or something else? "Shrouded by an endless desmise" - This I am having trouble seeing. How can a demise be endless when by definition it's over? How does it relate to a shroud? "As I'm constantly lost within destiny's eyes" seems a bit much like the above line. Also, being lost in someone's eyes and having someone forget about you seem, IMHO, to be too different ideas. "Caught up in unnecessary drama" - This I like, and I think it can stay, except I want to know more, especially since almost everyone feels this way sometimes. What drama is it for the speaker? Why is it unnecessary? "Cradling" - do you mean rocking here? If so, then I can picture this and it works. "crying for another / To hold me like no other" I think is the weakest point. It's that nasty cliche monster rearing its ugly head! =) The last few lines I think are the strongest parts, but, again, we want to hear more. This needs some more time spent on it, as it seems to be the main point you want to make. Does the speaker imagine herself as Cinderella, for instance? Does she have someone specific in mind, or just a vague dream? Okay, this is getting long, but just realized something else. It seems that halfway through the poem you changed what you wanted to say. There are two ideas here (expectations and a need to escape into a fairy tale) and maybe you should focus on one, or tell us how they relate. Hope this gives you some ideas. Please do repost if you make any revisions. Good luck, Ashley [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (04-24-2002 09:40 AM).] |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
Sorry took me so long to get back but hrm..it's interesting all your comments, how one writer can have a perspective and other ppl mold it differently in their heads thats whats poetry all about..but you wanted me to clarify this..basically all i was saying was that this person is naive and shrouded by disillusionment that's all she's stuck in faerie tale pages thinking white knights truly exist and she just wants someone to make it all right for her..make sense? she just wants to find a good person for once.. |
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