»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Trapped
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Trapped |
|
|
Deus Junior Member
since 2003-07-17
Posts 18California, US |
Reading your reasons and stealing your seasons This disappearing act will only last so long We need a new medium, a new way Let’s just fall asleep in the night And let’s just wake up in Paris We’ll wake up in France I’m strong enough to stay like the rain But I’m strong enough to leave like the wind So come with me when I go Come with me when I abandon you A bird in the cage of the world Clipped wings and a chosen path They never knew I could just fly away That I was staying only for them But when I go, when I go They will finally realize, they’ll realize Everything with wings is meant to fly away Stealing your seasons. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 William Wellman - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Deus, welcome to PIP!  Wow, I really like this poem, nice style. "stealing your seasons" -- very cool. Some suggestions... "And let’s just wake up in Paris We’ll wake up in France" <-- I think you could leave this part out...it is redundant, since Paris implies France. "I’m strong enough to stay like the rain But I’m strong enough to leave like the wind" --> I love this, it is excellent. Perhaps find another word for "strong" in the second line to "strengthen" (pun intended) the image. For example, "bold" -- just a thought to show the difference. "So come with me when I go Come with me when I abandon you" --> This doesn't make sense to me, since if you are abandoning someone, you usually don't want them to come with you...perhaps word choice here is off. I think if you said "follow me when I abandon you" -- this hints that the person will come, but not that you are telling them to come with you. "A bird in the cage of the world" --> I like this, but "in the cage of the world" is long and cumbersome. Perhaps simply "a bird in a cage" would say the same thing. "But when I go, when I go They will finally realize, they’ll realize Everything with wings is meant to fly away" --> I like the repetition of "when I go" -- as if you are threatening to leave, very good. I don't think it is necessary to repeat "they'll realize" -- having too many repetitions that closely takes away from the power of the statement. I love the last line. Haha, sorry for breaking your poem down line by line, but it is rare that I do this...it means I really enjoyed your poem, and wanted to share my honest opinion with you. Remember, this is YOUR poem, and only you know how it is meant to be. Great poem! Hope to see more from you.  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
||
|
Foxyoasis Senior Member
since 2003-06-10
Posts 974Atlantic Beach,Fla |
very good picture. i loved it Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me..... |
||
|
grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
overall, i enjoyed this poem. it has some really nice lines, and the rhyme isn't predictable. sometimes it's easier for me to just comment line by line. "Reading your reasons and stealing your seasons" this is one particular instance in which i really like the internal rhyme. it's vague, but all the probable explanations as to meaning here point to the same emotion for me, and that's what matters. This disappearing act will only last so long like the magic act when i think of my interpretation of the first lines. i'm not sure if it's clear enough to give me yours. We need a new medium, a new way Let’s just fall asleep in the night i like the third line as a sort of unifying voice, but the next line makes very little sense to me in the context of the poem so far. not sure if "in the night" is redundant or not. And let’s just wake up in Paris We’ll wake up in France again, these are lines that so far make little sense to me on my third or fourth reading of the poem. assuming that this has to do with the speaker escaping the present situation, which, according to the previous lines, is a rather unpleasant one, i have to ask why paris in particular. I’m strong enough to stay like the rain But I’m strong enough to leave like the wind So come with me when I go Come with me when I abandon you love this part. these lines are the most fluid in the poem, as each line smoothly transitions to the next. parallel structure in the first two lines, coupled with the paradoxical nature in both the similies and the lines starting with "so come with me..." is very effective here. A bird in the cage of the world Clipped wings and a chosen path i'm don't really like the "bird in the cage" metaphor, just because i think it's been done a little too much. also, i have an objection to the "clipped wings". the chosen path, the clipped wings, and the cage make this a very unhappy bird. the clipped wings, or the chosen path alone would be plenty to hinder the bird from going very far. it would also be more subtle, in my opinion. They never knew I could just fly away as stated above, it would be impossible for this bird to get very far. That I was staying only for them But when I go, when I go They will finally realize, they’ll realize Everything with wings is meant to fly away i like this part, but i don't see how it plays into the rest of the poem. i am also confused by the change from 2nd person to 3rd person. again, overall, i like this poem. it has some really great moments. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
