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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
everyone looks out the front door and i've yet to figure out why unless like cats, the restlessness of the pulsing world beckons, unless the rope tethering them to their conquests doesn't snap off in steel frame, unless, like her they've picked a time, to pantomime regret and relace their shoes with promises, like an irish prayer, that vaguely suggest we'll meet again, and then an angry diatribe against chiropractics, just for fun. they're just looking, i suppose, at a screen door filigre, at a gawdy mosaic of insecurity. "Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string" -Ralph Waldo Emerson [This message has been edited by grassy ninja (07-20-2003 12:23 PM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello Grassy - and welcome to Passions! I'm not one to critique - just thought I would tell you that I enjoyed your poem, and once Pete or Hush or Toad get in here - I'm sure your poem will receive the constructive criticism you request. I had to giggle a bit at your Critique flag message! Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting! Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen? |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this, the tone and imagery are really neat. The flow has a nice lilt- but can make the content hard to understand. Maybe, just maybe, you'd consider a couple of punctuation adjustments? 'everyone looks out the front door and i've yet to figure out why' Really, a neat beginning... some quaint sarcasm, very earnest- makes me wonder what your suggestions are for why they do. 'unless like cats, the restlessness of the pulsing world beckons,' I think you mean that restlessness beckons the people as it does cats. However, it reads as if the people are beckoned by restlessness, and are beckoned by cats in the same way. The former makes more sense to me... might want to think about clarifying that. (BTW, the break btwn. those lines and these next ones would be a perfect place for a slightly sharper breaks than a comma- maybe a semicolon or a dash?) 'unless the rope tethering them to their conquests doesn't snap off in steel frame,' Snap off in a steel frame, perhaps? (Also, another semicolon or dash, perhaps?) 'unless, like her' Like who? 'they've picked a time, to pantomime regret and relace their shoes with promises,' These are my favorite lines. Just really neat alliteration, to say nothing of the actual content- subtle, but not too subtle... just really well-done. 'like an irish prayer, that vaguely suggest we'll meet again, and then an angry diatribe against chiropractics, just for fun.' I assume these lines relate back to the previous ones- that that Irish prayer relates to pantomiming regrets, and that the anger against chiropractics (just for fun) relates to relacing shoes. It's really interesting- but still hard to really read with all the running-on. Maybe you could put that bit in parentheses or something? 'they're just looking, i suppose, at a screen door filigre, at a gawdy mosaic of insecurity.' Do you mean that they're looking out, and feeling insecure? Or rather that this is your (the author's) final opinion on them, that they think they're safe, but really, they aren't? I really liked this- hope I've helped. |
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perseph1ne Junior Member
since 2003-07-09
Posts 16IL |
I thought rather than suggest things to change, I'd tell you what I saw in the poem and if that vision didn't match with yours, you then know some things might need to be clarified. Okay? Everyone looks out the front door, but the narrator isn't sure why. Maybe they are like cats and the restlessness of the world gets their attention. I think I get the rope metaphor that ties the people to their conquest which I saw as their houses. The rope doesn't break, so their looking outside because they want to join the world but are tied to their houses? Maybe? Then you've got a bit where the narrator wonders why they look outside if they can never get there. However, it seems to change with the intoduction of the girl. Maybe the people are like her and fake their remorse. Maybe they're happier inside and see the outside world as full of insecurity. Anyway, that's what I saw in the poem. I thought it was very good and really made me think. I like that I had to work a little for meaning. Perseph1ne "Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." |
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