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Critical Analysis #2
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kadafi09
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143
California, United States

0 posted 2003-07-12 11:58 AM


Friday night, nine o'clock,
can't do a thing.
I still remember the pain I felt,
when you gave me back the ring,
well never mind that,
forget what I said,
its all over,
our love is dead,
what was is no more,
its all in the past,
What did I expect?
Was it going to last?
I guess the events have answered this.

© Copyright 2003 Jorge Vega - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2003-07-12 04:36 PM


What events?

You seem to have a lot of repetition of various phrases for 'it's in the past' or 'it's all over now' and really, if you've said it once, that's enough. It makes more sense to tell us exactly what is over, what happenned, why is the narrator feeling this way?

Hope I've helped.

Ladybug
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236
Massachusetts
2 posted 2003-07-12 04:45 PM


Hi Kada, this poem reminds me of how I used to write.  Hush has some good points about how this poem doesn't fill the reader in on the situation, but then again, when it is something so personal, it is sometimes hard to avoid.  

This poem is very simple, but I like it.  I do agree with Hush -- you don't elaborate on the "events" so perhaps this word is not a good choice.  Perhaps something about her actions?  

When I was a teenager (not too long ago, hee hee) I used to write so many poems that only I would know what they were about, and I saw nothing wrong with it.  But now, I often try to write poems that others can relate to, since I share them now and never used to.  Bottomline is, this is your poem, and only you know how far you should elaborate.  I think some poems are meant to be obscure...it all depends on the writer's intent.  Hope this helps!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

kadafi09
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143
California, United States
3 posted 2003-07-12 09:33 PM


only i know the depths of my pain.
Ladybug
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236
Massachusetts
4 posted 2003-07-13 01:27 AM


Very true, Kada, very true.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2003-07-15 10:12 AM


It is true that only you know your pain. Also, there can be many valid reasons for writing a poem. One might be to sooth your own emotions. Another might be to let your reader also feel those emotions.

If the purpose of writing was for personal gratification then there is little to be gained by posting for critique as most suggestions a more likely to be offensive rather than helpful. If, on the other hand, the purpose was to share the feelings then it would seem appropriate to at least listen with an open mind to any suggestions made.

There are an uncountable number of poems with this theme but that does not mean that more cannot be written. It just means that ne must be careful in doing so in order to gain the interest of a disinterested reader.

As Hush pointed out, you seem to stress that "it" is in the past but don't really show us what "it" is, or was. We need some meat with our potatoes. Give us something we can identify with. something to catch our interest and make us want to read the poem. This says you are unhapy because she left you but that happens all the time so the readers are easily bored with it. They need something that makes you story compelling.

JMHO,
Pete

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