Maggots (need punctuation help please)

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just a junkie
Member

since 2003-03-04

Posts 53

0 posted 2003-07-07 07:05 PM

I can't get this to read/look right....any help would be appreciated!!!

Maggots

I have a rare fondness for
Maggots
Don't get me wrong
I wouldn't want to
Keep them as pets
And I'd prefer
Not to see them
But the life of a
Maggot
Has got to be the most
Ingenious creation
To be able to get dropped off
Just about any place foul
And rapidly thrive there
You are never any better or worse
Than your neighbor
And hate is spread evenly
Having no ties to anyone or anything
You can gorge yourself
On treasures of which
A higher life form has
Condemned as garbage and disregarded
As trash
Which will sustain you
Long enough
To allow you to
Transform into something rather ugly
Yet, significantly more beautiful
Than what you began as
Given new body parts
With mesh covered eyes
And delicate wings
Strong enough to
Transport your entire body
To the destination of your choosing
To gorge on new treasures
And continously pissing people off
Being such an annoyance
That even the most docile person
Wants nothing more than to
Be solely responsible for your death
Your ingenuity allows you to
Escape the homicidal intentions
Of bodies thousands of times your size
On a regular basis
And within days
You can simply
Lay down and die
With no regrets.

Just a Junkie

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

1 posted 2003-07-07 07:37 PM

Hey, Junkie!  Cool poem, very interesting.

"You can gorge yourself
On treasures of which
A higher life form has
Condemned as garbage"
--> One man's trash is another man's treasure, right?

Hmmm...as for suggestions, the only thing I could come up with is this...you start by saying you have a "fondness" for maggots, and then you say you prefer not to see them.  Therefore, to me, it sounds more like you "envy" them, rather than are fond of them.  Also, this seems a little redundant:

"Condemned as garbage and disregarded
As trash"
--> I think you could end this at "garbage" since it basically is saying the same thing.

Overall, very cool poem.  It was different, and I like that!  Keep 'em coming!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2003-07-07 10:07 PM

For starters, I agree with Ladybug's suggestions, except that I didn't particularly enoy it (sorry about that but I think a more suitable subject could be found). Seriously, if you want to write about a light subject, it is much easier to do so in a lighter manner. The irony of writing of a light subject in a serious manner can be compelling but it is definately not easy to do. I don't think you have really succeeded here.

As for your request though. Figure out where the sentences end and put a period there. Bein the next sentence with a capital letter and drop all the other capitals. I think that woud be a good start toward fixing the punctuation.

JMHO,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

3 posted 2003-07-07 11:28 PM

Hey Junkie, I would also insert commas when a pause is warranted, but a period would be too abrupt. If you need more help, just ask.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

just a junkie
Member

since 2003-03-04

Posts 53

4 posted 2003-07-08 07:54 AM

Ladybug & Pete,

Thanks for your suggestions and comments. I agree that "envy" would fit better.

Ladybug - Yes, I would like more help with this one if you don't mind.

Just a Junkie

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

5 posted 2003-07-08 12:21 PM

Hi Junkie!  Well, for starters, I think I'd remove the whole beginning part, up to "not to see them" since that has to do with your previous "fondness" -- I'd replace it with some words about how you "envy" the maggot.  Then, go right into WHY you envy the maggot.

In terms of structure, Pete is right...remove all capital letters unless they start a new thought (come after a period).  You may also want to break it up into stanzas, but this is not necessary.  Poetry usually allows for more commas than normal sentences.  Therefore, you can have what seems to be a run-on, but it works in poetry.  You can also use a semicolon to separate certain ideas.

OK, for example, this is how I would punctuate this part (my changes are in []):

"[T]he life of a Maggot
[h]as got to be the most
[i]ngenious creation[.]
To be able to get dropped off
[j]ust about any place foul[,]
[a]nd rapidly thrive there[; or .]
You are never any better or worse
[t]han your neighbor[,]
[a]nd hate is spread evenly[.]
[You hav[e] no ties to anyone or anything[.]"

This is just an idea, and you may also want to reconsider how you word certain things.  I hope this helps!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

xkiss_me_hardx
Junior Member

since 2003-07-08

Posts 13

6 posted 2003-07-08 09:21 PM

i have to agree with not a poet. Nothing personal, don't get me wrong, I like the message of your poem but the way you went about it doesn't convey it correctly. I started with hopes of this poem being darker but was disappointed because the subject was different than what I had expected and anticipated. It was a good idea though I would give this a 6 out of 10. Keep on writing

wild irish
Junior Member

since 2003-07-09

Posts 31

7 posted 2003-07-09 04:05 PM

I like are you surprised www.rateapoet.com

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

8 posted 2003-07-09 08:15 PM

'You are never any better or worse
Than your neighbor'

I thought you were going to talk about communism... but you didn't go any further. That might've been kind of cool...

'And hate is spread evenly'

I somehow have trouble conceptualizing a maggot's hatred, or any other emotion. They consume. That's about the end of it.

Just an idea about the beginning- maybe this would be more appropriate if you said you had a fondness for the concept of maggots? Or a maggots lifestyle? I think you can show envy without explicitly saying it, but as is, Ladybug's right about the abrupt change.

Also, I would stick to maggots as the subject matter- maybe end it at:

'As trash
Which will sustain you
Long enough
To allow you to
Transform[.]'

I think that caps it off nicely and keeps the poem from running on into overkill- which I think it kind of does as is.

Now, back to the concept of communism- I thought this was interesting. Maybe maggots have no more or less than their neighbors because they lack desire, or cogent thought? Is it more favorable to desire more and go out and get more, or to be content with an equal amount? I think you could turn that into a really interesting poem.

Just a thought
-Amy

perseph1ne
Junior Member

since 2003-07-09

Posts 16
IL

9 posted 2003-07-09 08:16 PM

First, I'm a newbie to these forums and I recently had a workshop class, so if I come off kinda analytical that's why.
Spacing (stanza breaks) might help the poem read better. To that affect, I think a couple of your lines would stand out really well with breaks before and after them. In the beginning lines;
"I have a rare fondness -- [and I think a long dash here instead of the word for would work well]
Then a stanza break.
"Maggots"[.]
Another stanza break, which sets off the word Maggots and draws the readers attention.
Also breaks before and after the line,
"And hate is spread evenly"
would make that line gain the significance it seems to want.
Grammer correction:
"And continously piss people off
by being ..."
Near the end, the line "On a regular basis" might have more impact moved up before "Your ingenuity allows you ..." This also keeps the ideas being talked about close together.
In all, I liked the message and vehicle (maggots) of the poems. All that seems to be left is polishing the grammer and mechanics.

Perseph1ne

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