»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Old Woman
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Old Woman |
|
|
Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
|
Old Woman Her body slowly shifts In sachet lavender of sheets Sunk into warmth of cotton pleats Enough to stretch the joint and bone But not induce a cramping moan As each leg slowly lifts Impression of her form Left in her feathered fetal nest That cradled her nocturnal rest Beneath the down of heirloom quilt In poster bed her father built Of feathers soft and warm Still shaded from the dawn Positioned on the mattress edge With steadied hand on table’s ledge Her trembling fingers wipe the trace Of painful grimace from her face And shield a lingering yawn Her slippers placed below She now attempts to rise and stand With cautious foot and balanced hand And slowly glides her soreness in The softness of a slipper’s skin That fits her foot just so Into the day she slides Across the dusty hardwood floor To water’s splash that wakes once more A face enclosed by curtain’s blight From dawn into the downy night In shadows where she hides Within a house so grand Who would believe that fortune coursed The silent dreams that were rehearsed Before two lovers had been wed And felt the bliss of feather bed And she, the flesh of man Behind a misty cloud When heirloom dreams had come undone The stars and moon and dawning sun Kept vigil from the beaming skies As witnesses of love’s demise Still draped in musty shroud Elizabeth Santos 7/2/03 [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (07-03-2003 07:28 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello old friend. It's good to see you back. You don't share nearly enough of your writings with us here in CA. Not being an "Old Woman"  I can't fully identify with this one. The portrait, however, is painted vividly enough that I can fully understand and sympathize.I thoroughly enjoyed the content, the rhyme scheme and the meter. The only nit I can find to pick is the second line of the last stanza. There is a typo leaving out the space in "When heirloom." Thanks for sharing Pete |
||
|
Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
How brilliant! Bravo! Susan C. |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Elizbeth, This is such a fine example of carefully crafted rhyme and meter. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing. Sid |
||
|
Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Crafted by the skill of a true poet. One day I should be so lucky, so for now, I'll admire work like this one. Blessings, Always Lisa |
||
|
Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Thank you, dear frinds for the comments on this poem. It was not very laborious to write, and I'm certain there are many improvements that could be made. So it's time for the "timid" moderators to come out and say the truth. How else can I learn to improve. Was the ending too weak? Did you get from the poem that her family's wealth interfered with her relationship? In other words, that they probably wanted her to marry someone of her social standing. Is there something you would change (without disrupting METER and RHYME?) Are there any adjectives you would use in place of "the" "her" I am not offended by critiques. I'm too old for that. Just say what needs to be said. THank you very much for your assistance Liz. Personally, I am fond of this poem, because it is simply about someone getting out of bed, but unveils her lifetime of sorrow. I also enjoy experimenting with form and meter. I was wondering if anyone is familiar with another poem in this exact form |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I personally didn't catch the part of the father interfering with her happiness. But that's just me. As others here have noticed, my mind tends to go in a different interpretive direction than the author usually intends anyway. As I've implied before though, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's also my opinion that you should leave the ending as is. It's stated simply enough so that anyone can catch at least the main premise of the poem. I'm not sure you can make your meaning any more clear without sacrificing the colorful imagery you've built upon--then again you probably could. I'm not familiar with a poem exactly like this. Maybe someone else can give you more examples, but I believe this would fall under the category of an envelope rhyme. Where the rhymes in the first and last lines of the stanza repeat to envelope the other lines. Usually, you'll find this in a Quatrain where the scheme is abba. You've incorporated the pattern quite nicely in each Sestet. (abbcca) For what it's worth, Sid |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I thought this was a really excellently written poem. Your descriptions and imagery were very creative and set a very good mood- I also really enjoyed your use of alliteration. Some great examples of lines I liked: 'In sachet lavender of sheets Sunk into warmth of cotton pleats Enough to stretch the joint and bone' 'With cautious foot and balanced hand' 'From dawn into the downy night' I also think your message comes through well- clearly but not too bluntly. This line is key: 'When heirloom dreams had come undone' The word heirloom makes me think of family, and tradition, and using that to describe dreams perfectly describes how the drems for her were none other than those created by the stiff formula of family and class expectations- the archaic that is still treasured for tradition's sake... but maybe there's something not all that gre4at about it? Maybe it's a bit timeworn and dated? My only suggestion would be to consider adding punctuation, just to solidify where one sentence ends and begins. I think your rhyme scheme, meter, and stanza breaks give the reader a pretty good idea as it is, but sometimes a little added emphasis on pauses would add emphasis here and there. I really enjoyed this, hope I've helped. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
