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Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

0 posted 2003-06-25 07:03 PM

4/2/99
I watch you as you go,
leaving me for only minutes.
Time drips like molasses,
slow and thick without concern.
My heart impatient with the clock;
Hands tick-tock, but sound like
drawn-out gongs of churchbells
echoing in my ear.
I wait...

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2003-06-25 10:55 PM

Hi there.

I totally would not end a poem with...

See how you're waiting for me to go on to something? That's what it's like. Now, while I understand that it could be appropriate considering your subject and tone, it's generally considered a pretty big no-no. Not that you can'y break the rules, mind you...

Now, since you begin the poem:

'I watch you as you go,
leaving me for only minutes.'

It also begs to return, the coming full circle.

However, I think the mystery is more interesting here... maybe if you began it something like:

'I watch you as you go,
promising to leave me only for minutes.'

(The switch of only and for I think adds to the flow.)

And maybe build on that mystery? The wandering mind usually has trouble waiting when waiting anxiously for something... tell us what's going on in there. Usually when time is drawn out for me, I don't just think "Boy, time sure is going slowly" over and over again.

Why is your narrator some impatient? I would guess it's meant to indicate how truly loved this other person is... but I can't assume that. Is he a mobster going to whack someone? A young girl (a daughter) going out to send an irate boyfriend away from the house?

So many possibilities, so few clues.

I've read some of your other posts, and I think you have the capacity to expand this into something a little more in-depth.

Hope I've helped.

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

2 posted 2003-06-25 11:07 PM

Hi Hush! Thanks for your comments. I agree that it is usually a no-no to end a poem with a "..." -- in fact, I've actually read that you should never use "..." anywhere in a poem. Well, I guess I break that rule a lot, especially in my feedback as well.

For some reason, I actually liked how it provided a sense of waiting for the reader, since that is what the line/poem is about.

I like your suggestion about L2, and will consider altering that line. It has been a few years since I wrote it, but I remember the meaning of the line "leaving me for only minutes" was that even though it felt like forever, it was merely minutes (or hours, actually, but in the grand scheme of forever, hours would be so miniscule) so I was sort of reminding myself that it is really not as long as it seems...so it wasn't really that he promised me he wouldn't be long, it is more like "time" promised me he wouldn't be long -- does this make any sense?

I will think more about your suggestions, since they are definitely helpful. Thanks again!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

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