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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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All it takes is a Shirt and a Moustache |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts 
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Written 3/16/00, about my father...(ironically, I located him a few months later, after searching for 10 years) --------- I see your face on strangers Their innocent eyes questioning my stare and I learn of my mistake and keep on walking to the next one. Not a day goes by that I don't fall and scrape my heart on the cold cement, blind to the deceit of my needful eyes. It is a long fall, ten years so far, and habits are hard to break --but hearts are not. And so I continue my fruitless search, my stroll among strangers, trying to find the long lost exclamation point to replace the painful question mark that was planted when you left. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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| © Copyright 2003 Shannon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Match Member
since 2002-07-01
Posts 286Canada Edmonton |
enjoyed very much, I never post in here so I dont really have any critisim sorry, but I liked this  I'm just kickin it up |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Match! Thanks for your feedback, I'm glad you liked the poem!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
"scrape my heart on the cold cement" Excellent line. Well stated poem. Glad you shared, Sid |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thank you Sid, I'm glad you enjoyed it (and that line is also one of my favorites, hee hee  )Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I really enjoyed this one a lot. Here are my comments. There is something interesting in falling a fall that takes ten years each day--a nice paradox, I think. I also liked the scraping your heart line becaue it conjures up images of a child who, after a bike wreck or other mishap, seeks the comfort of a parent. I like the ending okay, but I think it fails to express this idea in a really new way, or in a way that is consistent with the rest of the poem and so weakens the rest of the poem. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I almost forgot to comment on the title, which I thought was quite effective. Nice job. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Kirk's perception regarding the ending is valid, but I think the problem is in L11; the only line in the poem that sounds a bit cliche--to me anyway. "And so..." is unnecessary and "fruitless search", detracts from the creativity of the rest of your piece. If you developed your summation within that line, I think you could pretty much keep your poem intact. And keeping it intact in my opinion, is what you should definitely try to do. For what it's worth, Sid |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
I like the execution of this -- but I wonder if there isn't something more to say than what is said...... something that you don't quite capture -- at least to me -- is that when you're on a quest such as this the quest itself becomes both the comfort and the antagonist. When you search for so long -- I wonder -- it would seem normal to me that after you found the object of the quest -- did you miss the hunt? |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
I agree that line 11 is in need of change (more than any line in this) but I think that lines 14 and 15 need a rewrite as well. The ending fell a bit flat but that could all change with those 3 lines being reworked. And small change mind you. Well thought out piece. Regards, Always Lisa |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks everyone, I forgot to add this to my Private Library, so I haven't been checking it for feedback...oops! I appreciate all the comments and agree that "fruitless search" is a bit too cliche. I find it interesting that many did not like the last three lines, as usually these are among the most favorites of readers on other sites. I'm certainly not trying to argue against your feedback, I am just making an observation A common theme in my poems I wrote while searching for my father was about question marks, and giving such things an almost physical identity. Thanks, Kirk...the title is the whole meaning of the poem. In most pictures I have of my father, he is wearing a red and blue striped shirt, and had a moustache. This poem represents all the countless times I would think I saw him in a crowd, just because someone fit that description. So, that was all it took for me to get my hopes up. You were right on about the scraped heart/bike comparison of needing the comfort of the parent. Local Rebel, I agree that in most quests, there is also a sense of gratification in the hunt itself. However, this is not a theme in the poem because it was not an experience I had with this quest. It was very hard for me, and never did I gain any pleasure from the search...however, it was well worth the pain; and to answer your question, yes, in a way when the hunt was over, I did miss it a little, mainly because I no longer had the longing for him as a fuel for my poetry, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! Again, I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment on my poem(s)!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... [This message has been edited by Ladybug (06-25-2003 10:55 PM).] |
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