To The Memory of your Soul.

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

To The Memory of your Soul.

bgryan
Junior Member

since 2003-06-16

Posts 30
North Ireland

0 posted 2003-06-21 04:33 PM

Beyond the raging desert
to the coolness of the sea
there lies a love I once lived for,
and she's waiting there for me.

From the valley of the forgotten
to the memory of your soul
love danced around in circles,
and left my heart at home.

Across the seamless sky
along to the shore of stones
there I found my love,
sleeping by the door.

The love we shared together
is the same as long ago
and my heart will rejoice forever,
to the memory of your soul.

[This message has been edited by bgryan (06-22-2003 06:06 AM).]

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

1 posted 2003-06-22 04:20 AM

You can eliminate a few words and tighten up the meter quite easily:

L3=there
L4=and (You could actually take it or leave it; I'd remove--but that's just me)
L5=the
L10=to

I'm not sure if, in L2, you mean to say "to the coolness of the sea"

Ln15 could be reworked to flow more smoothly with a simple change such as:

"and my heart rejoices ever,"
That would be my choice--of course, it has to be what you feel.

Sid

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (06-22-2003 04:23 AM).]

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

2 posted 2003-06-22 09:04 PM

The meter jumps all over the place/off beat, inconsistent rhyme and some words stand as filler; adding noting to the poem. With some greatly needed fixes; this would be a fairly good read.

Your poem reads like it was inspired by Poe's Annabelle Lee.

Regards,
Always Lisa

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.