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The Sea's a Thief (my first post!)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Sea's a Thief (my first post!) |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts 
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The Sea's a Thief A sinking island amidst a blood-red sea. The tide steadily rises, yet barely retreats, --Damn the moon! Crimson waves crash onto naked shores, burying beaches in barnacle tombs. The flooded earth swallows the briny poison, choking on the bitter foam. She holds her breath as she drifts downward towards the seabed; As coral blankets cover her crown, she dreams of salvage ships and summer sun. --------------------------------------------- Written 5/7/03 -- Longing for summer vacation, I drown in a sea of red ink... (I'm a high school math teacher, and I have no life outside of schoolwork! Thankfully, today was the last day of school!) Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... [This message has been edited by Ladybug (06-17-2003 05:12 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Shannon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
Great poem good use of personification of the island nice choice of diction to provide equally nice imagery |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Kadafi09! I appreciate your feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed the poem (-: Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Ladybug and welcome to the forum. I'm not really sure where you are going with this but it looks to me like it has potential. The thing I found a little confusing was the reference to the sea as poison. I mean it does make a little sense but I would usually think of it the other way. Just a stretch for me pesonally, I guess. Pete |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Pete, thanks for the welcome and the feedback. I agree that normally we don't consider the sea to be poison, but rather a place of comfort. However, in this poem, the sea represented the overwhelming workload of being a teacher and the poem describes how I was drowning in the sea as it swallowed me whole (the sea of "red ink") Thanks again for your feedback!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, you got me there. I do understand the teacher's viewpoint. Maybe I'm a little slow or maybe just lazy but I could have used a bit more of a hint there. Let's wait to see if anyone else shares that opinion before taking it as a serious suggestion though. Thanks, Pete |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Pete, I don't think you are lazy, I agree that it isn't really obvious in the poem that the sea represents a teacher's workload...but that is why I put the little description at the bottom. I can't think of a way to show that the sea is school work in the poem itself, without it sounding completely ridiculous, like "the crimson sea of grading papers" -- this doesn't work, hee hee. I figured it was obvious that the poem was about someone "drowning" in a sea of "something" but you are correct, it is not obvious to the reader that it is about school work...but then again, does it really have to be? (I'm asking a genuine question, not trying to sound sarcastic) Thanks again for your help! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
 hello there, teacher! Nice to meet you! I homeschool my teenager, and have FAILED this year as a Geometry teacher, though all other subjects are doing fine. Boy, do I envy someone with good MATH skills! I enjoyed the write, but did find it difficult to get a grasp on the meaning without the additional explanation. Perhaps you are floating on a barge of three ring binders and True/False or multiple choise quizzes? LOL, I'm not sure what else to say, but maybe a second or third read will stimulate my imagination. Me? I'm still getting the log sheets and Geometry samples done to submit this year's final grade reports to the supervising distance teacher. SIGH, that's what I SHOULD be doing right now, instead of poetry and prose, and 'playing' on the PC. Anyway, WELCOME to Passions! |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Midnite! Thanks for your feedback, and for taking the time away from your motherly duties to read my poem, hee hee. Yes, I can imagine it must be hard for parents to homeschool their kids...hats off to you! Thanks for the welcome, and I look forward to seeing you around!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I believe that the poem should stand on its own without having to qualify it. I actually enjoyed it, but my imagination took me in a different direction than you intended. I don't think that's necessarily wrong. If you insist on making it about "a teacher drowning in red ink," you may need to add a few lines to make it clear. I'm just not sure it will be an improvement. Just my opinion. As I said, I enjoyed it as written. Thanks for sharing, Sid |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Sid, thanks for your feedback! I'm curious to hear where your imagination took you...one of the pleasures of sharing poetry is to see how others interpret it, and how they sometimes discover things that the writer didn't intend/find on his or her own. Thanks again! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I saw her as a spirit, caught between welcoming the dead from amongst the living. The island itself conjures up images of a ship; in this case a sinking ship. Maybe I've watched too many war documentaries. lol I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't take your personal aside remarks as you qualifying the poem. Your interpretation is much better. Sid |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
I wrote a poem called, The Seas of Red; way back when. It wasn't one of my better works, however, yours reminded me of that old poem. Anyway, back to your poem... I agree with Sid's observation. The modifier wasn't strong enough to support the writer's intent. Your side note at the end says it all therefore, I believe that you knew this write couldn't stand on its own without direction/interpretation from you. Rethink, rework and rewrite. Regards, Always Lisa |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions, Ladybug. I'm not a critic, I just enjoy reading. Pete's the professional in that regard, hey, that's why he runs this forum!!! But I enjoyed the imagery, and was appreciative of the explanation. I will enjoy looking up more of your poetry. Enjoy your summer vacation! Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen? |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks Sid and AlwaysLisa, I agree that it is virtually impossible to figure out what this poem represents without my side-note. I'm just not sure at all how to "fix" it without completely ruining the poem. I'd be open to some specific suggestions, or perhaps I should just write a new one altogether and leave this as is...not sure. I just can't think of anyway to improve this without making it sound "cheesy"  Thanks again for your help with this!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Sunshine! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
It would be hard for me to give a great deal of advice without feeling the need to write for you, taking away from YOUR poem. Some small suggestions though... Think of words or things that are related to your job and how you're feeling. Then weave them to the sea sucking you in theme by using double meaning and or puns. As it stands, your poem reads of the story of a ship or something in the sea and anything more doesn't hold water. (Pun intended) But you know this. This isn't to say that your poem is bad (when thinking of a ship or something in the sea and in the sea only) but not a shred of it points to your intent. I'd keep your poem as is for ship's sake. Grins* But I'd try writing another with your intent in mind. And if you're thinking that cheesy will get in the way, you have to change your direction. Remember, there is always another way of saying something. You just have to find the way in the sea of words. One last bit of advice. Always remember when writing something, this...I know what I mean but can the reader read my mind? No. Not if it's not on paper. Can I take the reader down many roads with one line? Yes, but intent must read clear/be found even if the intent has more than one meaning like you tried to do in this poem (and failed). It must be there for the reader to find. Anyway, my advice for whatever its worth. Good luck. Regards, Always Lisa |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
 Thanks, Always Lisa! You make a lot of sense. I will work on a new poem and leave this one as is.  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
You're very welcome. PS and I admire anyone that teaches math. Why? Because math is my weakness and I mean weak and not for lack of trying. It's just a learning difference that I seem to be stuck with... Lost in a sea of numbers. Grins* Regards, Always Lisa |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I enjoyed math enough to get a mathematics & physics degree. Even taught college a while (actually computer science but it was in the math department at that time). At what level do you teach Shannon? BTW, I love your new pic. I don't remember ever having a teacher who looked like that Pete |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Always Lisa...I appreciate your feedback on my poems! and trust me, you are not the first person who has told me that math is not their strongest subject, hee hee. You should write a poem called "Lost in a Sea of Numbers" haha...Well, if you ever need help, just tell me!  Pete, that is really cool that you are a fellow math-geek, haha. I teach high school, so basically Algebra, Geometry, Trig, Pre-Calc, Problem Solving (really cool class) -- your usual HS curriculum. Thanks for the compliment on my pic, hee hee...Being a young teacher has its pros and cons...I can relate to the students easily and they relate and trust me, but I also get asked to the prom! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
That's cute. Reminds me of "Summer of 42", one of my favorite old movies |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hee hee! Yeah, the teenage kids help me feel young  most of the time, except for when I refer to something from "before their time" and they say "huh???" -- like Doogie Howser, for example. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Or, Lost in Numbered Seas. It doesn't sound great but the stresses work. hahahah Regards |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Yeah, that works, go for it Always Lisa!Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
I asked because I hadn't read anything of yours that was constructed with any set form. And because you write fairly well, I wonder what you could do with structure... Something that beats to page. Just this morning, I realized that I've responded to your work quite a bit and hope that you don't feel or start to feel that I'm picking you apart. It's your work I'm speaking to. Hopefully you knew this but I just want to be clear so that I don't burn any bridges on my travels. Like you, I'm new to this side of town; trying to get a feel for levels of skill, how things work or don't work around here. I don't see a whole lot of push for the use of tools of the trade. What I am seeing (across the board) is words wanting to be seen and not heard...Those tools I speak of... Beat to page, flow to page, kiss the page. In short... I've seen a few writers here that could do that (or learn to) because they have the words. You have the words and I wondered... How far can they take me? Wait and see with warm regards, Always Lisa |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
 Hi Always Lisa,Don't worry, I don't take offense that you have commented on many of my poems...quite the contrary, I am forever grateful! I have been writing poetry since I was 13 (I'm 26 now, so basically HALF of my life!) Obviously, I've gotten better over time, but just recently I've learned a lot from these online forums. I had never shared my poetry with anyone except for EXTREMELY close friends, and usually no one. Therefore, once I was comfortable with a poem, I never revised...why bother, if my eyes were the only ones to see it?!!! I also have a lot of abstract poetry because of this...I love metaphor and imagery, so I used to try to make my poems really creative with "hidden" meaning, since only I really had to know what they were about. Now, I care more about how my "audience" perceives and interprets the poem, since I am no longer simply writing for my own sake. So, it is nice when you read and comment on my poems...how else will I grow as a writer? I've learned so much since April when I first posted on another website, and I am grateful to anyone who reads and comments on my work. Whether it is a simple "nice poem, I liked it" or a more detailed constructive critique. I'll dig through my poems to try to fine more that have structure and form, rather than free-verse. Thanks again! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... [This message has been edited by Ladybug (06-25-2003 06:58 PM).] |
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