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Critical Analysis #2

The Sleeper's prayer

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2002-03-30 06:10 PM

Under transgressing embers
lacklustre twilight
smothered every surface
of the trinkets
on the dresser she tended
her long winter tresses
unravelling
the harlots and hair chains
cluttered with men and misery,
equal burdens of barren spring.

The wick froze
in an exhausted sigh,
she lifted her head drowning
the analgesic fairytale with water.
"Let Jesus walk over me. Amen"
Dismorpheous eye lids,
thickening murmurs,
Happy endings are only for lovers.
No reprise for a broken heart,

In the sea void of dreams,
somewhere between reflection
and infliction, he rose to brush
the sorrow from her eyes.
"Never give in for tomorrow
I promise you a smile."
This stranger she knew,
An awkward lover caught
in reason,
it never kissed
quiet like their affection.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2008-05-04 05:21 PM

I had some time so I did some digging:

quote:
Under transgressing embers
lacklustre twilight
smothered every surface
of the trinkets
on the dresser she tended

Nice beginning. Eliot immediately pops into my head. Wondering why you didn't go further.

quote:
her long winter tresses
unravelling
the harlots and hair chains
cluttered with men and misery,
equal burdens of barren spring.

I'm not comfortable with the abrupt scene change here, but if one is going about personification, it begins to make sense.

quote:
The wick froze
in an exhausted sigh,
she lifted her head drowning
the analgesic fairytale with water.
"Let Jesus walk over me. Amen"
Dismorpheous eye lids,
thickening murmurs,
Happy endings are only for lovers.
No reprise for a broken heart,

Hmmm, so much potential here. Why end it with those last two lines?

quote:
In the sea void of dreams,

I don't think this is needed.

quote:
somewhere between reflection
and infliction,

Because this carries the 'twilight moment'.

quote:
he rose to brush
the sorrow from her eyes.
"Never give in for tomorrow
I promise you a smile."
This stranger she knew,
An awkward lover caught
in reason,
it never kissed
quiet like their affection.

I like the use of 'it' here and think this is a strong poem that is perhaps too short for its own good.

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