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Chiyeung
New Member

since 2008-04-27

Posts 8
NY, USA

0 posted 2008-04-27 06:42 PM

I really wish ti improve this poem
any sort of criticism is appreciated

Indelible Alton

On the turn of Alton we pass the time

The Bird's Nest, See not a new soul
Sweet Devils water, imbibed and elates our mind
Our only escape in range
Until the psychopomp's boat is in sight

Must we see the lights?

13 candles lit in the most exquisite flame
Still, not a way to see out of indelible Alton
As the ambitions wash away with the rain
The dreams die fast as quick as their creation

616 days of restive nights

Work through all the frights
Of the 3rd shift nights
Speak the Ave Maria to Him
Staying on the limbo would be a sin

The gate is opening maybe a path will be made

Fifteen years since her wake
She never said I would make it
A dream like hers but it never faded
I would face it no matter what it takes

Indelible Alton never escapes you

Papa's sweet old town was always the same
Anthony's cross stay hung by the gates
Part of the life was trying to achieve the fame
The purgatory is in the horizon, our fate?

Four stars would illuminate the truth

Shut our eyes to our dismay
Would not mask the remnants of our pain
The sin of our old ways
As we drink Papa's water with no shame

So I escape like in the holiest dream

Three men lead me through the forest
7 Old ways sent through a fire
Lethe quenched as I drowned the tallest
Led to His song heard in dire

Bored 16 year old living in New York City
Yes it does get boring..

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2008-05-01 04:56 PM

Sorry, it took so long to get to this one. Not sure why there have been no replies here. Chalk it to a couple of beautiful days.

It is spring.

A couple things: You need to turn on your crit OK button. It's in your profile and says, I think, accepts 'constructive critiques'.

quote:
Indelible Alton

On the turn of Alton we pass the time

Are you on an expressway?

quote:
The Bird's Nest, See not a new soul
Sweet Devils water, imbibed and elates our mind
Our only escape in range
Until the psychopomp's boat is in sight

I see a list, a passing list as if viewing things from a car. So far, so good. Difficult but you've set the reader up in a lot of places here. The words you use seem to indicate a more high-minded tone. It is unclear, however, if you can keep it up.

quote:
Must we see the lights?

13 candles lit in the most exquisite flame
Still, not a way to see out of indelible Alton
As the ambitions wash away with the rain
The dreams die fast as quick as their creation

I think you've jumped too quickly to the abstract. You still have 13 candles, apparently still burning, in the rain.

quote:
616 days of restive nights

I like the number here. I don't see where you draw on its significance.

quote:
Work through all the frights
Of the 3rd shift nights
Speak the Ave Maria to Him
Staying on the limbo would be a sin

By this point, you've dropped the high minded tone. That's not a bad thing, but you might consider reworking this or the above.

quote:
The gate is opening maybe a path will be made

Fifteen years since her wake
She never said I would make it
A dream like hers but it never faded
I would face it no matter what it takes

I read this as the turn, the real turn to the poem. But again, you retreat into abstraction (dream). Why not describe the scene?

quote:
Indelible Alton never escapes you

Why would Alton (means 'old town') want to escape from me or you? I don't understand this part.

quote:
Papa's sweet old town was always the same
Anthony's cross stay hung by the gates
Part of the life was trying to achieve the fame
The purgatory is in the horizon, our fate?

By now, the pattern is clear. I'd drop the religious/spiritual stuff and stick to description -- Ironically, this would probably make it more a poem about spirituality than by being so direct.

quote:
Four stars would illuminate the truth

Shut our eyes to our dismay
Would not mask the remnants of our pain
The sin of our old ways
As we drink Papa's water with no shame

So I escape like in the holiest dream

Three men lead me through the forest
7 Old ways sent through a fire
Lethe quenched as I drowned the tallest
Led to His song heard in dire

I suspect you have multiple thoughts going on inside your head. Unfortunately, nothing is peeking out as dominant here. Choose one (my choice is the description) and work from there.

Good luck.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

2 posted 2008-05-03 09:36 AM

Maybe we were waiting for you Brad . I know I was.

I like the poem even though I did not understand every bit of it , but in this rare case I

think it is the readers fault .

The poem could have been laced with cliché , but I don’t think I saw one.

I think you did a good job.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2008-05-04 05:33 PM

Waiting for me? Sorry, probably not a good thing to do these days.

What impressed you here?

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

4 posted 2008-05-05 08:00 AM

“What impressed you here?”

Brad, I like one liners and most of the poem was one liners. I believe I would have liked it better had I understood it more. Half of the lines could have been clichés, but were not.

Anyhow I liked the sound of the poet’s name.

I hope this helps.

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