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an extra ordinary day
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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an extra ordinary day |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Some bring me fruit and flowers. Every day's an anecdote. A cautious tassel on our drapes reveals the sunlight antidote. I strong-arm the door for them - a growling Annie's by my side. Ever-eager Freddy is consigned to terrier, again. "My Hero --Alpha Dog!!" I lie. "I am, " he whines. I laugh. He sighs. "Of course you are." pat-pat-him-sweet He wags the rug in smug placation. Friends are different these days - orbs are present in their eyes. A haunting to be sure, I know, I look at them and say goodbye. Silently acknowledging I can't correct what has transpired. So I wish them well as they walk their narrow, spindle-gait There be dragons that prevail I lock the door - security, and I decide to sweep the floor. Superstitiously--bad luck-- Take that with you, Mutha-wruck! I will pray this day away. Love is in the flickering tealights and my potpourri bubbles in the caldron we keep hidden by the ficus tree that twinkles with blue lights. Nothing's on the stove tonight. The cat is dying quietly. "Layla" makes the pain alright and Clapton is great company singing sad sobriety of one too many anecdotes. Grief sings out the sixteenth note and I am silenced by the weight of memories I'd thought remote: extra ordinary days... * * * |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
aw, c'mon Pete. I know you don't like to critique free verse, but I was hoping you'd show me, via my poem, the proper way to do such a critique. And besides, this one is kinda sorta part of a thing I'm doing... My "true serenity" stories need a proper ending and I thought this might do? But I like 'em clean. Help a gal out, huh? And maybe it will help me critique some of the other offerings here...? Pete? Anybody? tap tap tap? *tossing pebbles at your window* Okay..I'm going to bed.  If the pebbles don't work--I'm gonna come back with bottle rockets tomorrow night though.  |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
Hi I'm willing to voice my opinion. "Friends are different these days - orbs are present in their eyes. A haunting to be sure, I know, I look at them and say goodbye. Silently acknowledging I can't correct what has transpired. So I wish them well as they walk their narrow, spindle-gait There be dragons that prevail I lock the door - security, and I decide to sweep the floor." ---- superb. almost a poem in itself. **************************************** "Some bring me fruit and flowers. Every day's an anecdote. A cautious tassel on our drapes reveals the sunlight antidote." ---- the word "antidote" doesn't feel right to me. Hope these words find you well. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Skaa? antidote ain't right and it's bugging me too.  It's got that "rhyming dictionary" feel to it--not that there's anything wrong with rhyming dictionary's, it's just, it feels..I dunno, I'm not known for my neat rhyme. *I just guffawed at myself* So it awkward. Okay, thank you. Now I'll go walk around the house muttering anecdote/antitdote all day long... It's okay. I'm crazy. Thank you for your help!  I'll go see what comes of my muttering... |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
I really enjoy your poetry, BTW. I like the mystical bent to it. When one word is the problem - you know you are dealing with a mature poem. I'm sure you will find the solution. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm laughing though, because it's sorta real. I've been going through some depression and a doctor told me to peek at the sun occasionally. (I am so white I glow--it ain't healthy.) But since I was trying for a free-er verse style, that does stick out. And yer lovely to say such nice things. When I stop obsessing over anecdote/antitote I'll have to take a peek at your stuff. Thank you for your kindness lovie. |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
First off, this was fantastic. Rich wording and the different angles in this poem really worked well. A day in the life of grief- I'm familiar with it too. Here's just a few notes below: Some bring me fruit and flowers. Every day's an anecdote. A cautious tassel on our drapes reveals the sunlight antidote. Does this have to rhyme? However, I can't think of a better alternative at the moment, if I do I'll let you know I strong-arm the door for them - loved this! a growling Annie's by my side. Ever-eager Freddy is consigned to terrier, again. "My Hero --Alpha Dog!!" I lie. "I am, " he whines. I laugh. He sighs. "Of course you are." pat-pat-him-sweet I have a dog so I completely understand this and the above! He wags the rug in smug placation. Perfect Friends are different these days - orbs are present in their eyes. ? I'm not sure what this means ? A haunting to be sure, I know, I look at them and say goodbye. Silently acknowledging I can't correct what has transpired. So I wish them well as they walk their narrow, spindle-gait There be dragons that prevail I loved this and how it leads into the next strophe I lock the door - security, and I decide to sweep the floor. Superstitiously--bad luck-- Take that with you, Mutha-wruck! I will pray this day away. Love is in the flickering tealights and my potpourri bubbles in the caldron we keep hidden by the ficus tree that twinkles with blue lights. I thought this was great- what it said to me was that love (loss) is a burning constant presense that fills the room, always there in the corner of your eyes, flickering, and in the smell of the hidden potpourri, even though we try to make it happy with the twinkling blue lights, the yearning and sadness lingers on Nothing's on the stove tonight. The cat is dying quietly.These two lines are probably my favorites, they speak so loudly of lonliness "Layla" makes the pain alright and Clapton is great company singing sad sobriety of one too many anecdotes.For some reason I'm not sure that I like the word anecdote being used again Grief sings out the sixteenth note and I am silenced by the weight of memories I'd thought remote:this was wonderful, and so true extra ordinary days... Loved it, loved it... A. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you--I would have forgotten this had you not so, um, graciously given it such an intensive read. (The cat died, and as silly as it sounds in comparison to everything else-it still hurt. But I have been thinking about it, in that back compartment of my brain, which gets noisy when things are left undone, so let me try my hand at finishing this one. * * * Some bring me fruit and flowers. Every day's an anecdote. A cautious tassel on our drapes reveals the sunlight welcoming. I strong-arm the door for them - a growling Annie's by my side. Ever-eager Freddy is consigned to terrier, again. "My Hero --Alpha Dog!!" I lie. "I am, " he whines. I laugh. He sighs. "Of course you are." pat-pat-him-sweet He wags the rug in smug placation. Friends are different these days - orbs are present in their eyes. A haunting to be sure, I know, I look at them and say goodbye. Silently acknowledging I can't correct what has transpired. So I wish them well as they walk their narrow, spindle-gait There be dragons that prevail I lock the door - security, and I decide to sweep the floor. Superstitiously--bad luck-- Take that with you, Mutha-wruck! I will pray this day away. Love is in the flickering tealights and my potpourri bubbles in the caldron we keep hidden by the ficus tree that twinkles with blue lights. Nothing's on the stove tonight. The cat is dying quietly. "Layla" makes the pain alright and Clapton is great company singing sad sobriety of one too many apertif. Grief sings out the sixteenth note and I am silenced by the weight of memories I'd thought remote: extra ordinary days... * * * First of all, thank you for the praise. It made my night--I think I write to be understood, and you made me feel understood. The orbs, I keep, because the explanation is in the following line. Some people believe that "orbs" that show up in photographs are evidence of a spirit, haunting whatever site they photographed. So it's like that. I have to peer into the eyes of friends to try to figure out if they are high on something. I've said that it's like watching a zombie movie. You think you recognize someone, even loved ones, but then you see "that look" in their eyes, and ya know "the zombies" got to 'em and made them into a member of the zombie army out to getcha. (Sorry for the slang typing, it's just me typing the way I speak. )I'm not sure of my substitutions I just made either, but the apertif thing--I rather like that. I think it allows more room for reader interpretation, as Clapton also is quite famously in recovery, and forgive me if you already know, but he wrote the song Layla, after the legend of longing, when he yearned for a love that seemed unattainable. (Shaking my head, the man actually stole a woman from...a BEATLE! *chuckles and *winks*) Anyhow, you were on target, it does get lonely here. Thus, I am chatty. So, back to the topic here, I'm open for suggestions on both. Thank you so much! and yes, the blue lights are twinkling tonight and Glenn Miller is my choice of music. Music plays a great part in my inspiration(s)... Love to you all! |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
I'm sorry about your cat. I don't think it's silly at all to hurt, pets are family too, and we feel thier losses as such. I think your apertif substitution works much better, fantastic in fact. I do think perhaps "beckoning" instead of "welcoming" in S1L4. Some bring me fruit and flowers. Every day's an anecdote. A cautious tassel on our drapes reveals the sunlight beckoning. That way it signifies perhaps the sunny world out there is trying to coax you to come out and rejoin it, you know what I mean? Or even "reveals a tease of sunlight beckoning". Anyway, take care- I hope things get better. Angie |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Um, wow. Beckoning was my first choice too. I think you are right on that too...it puts a push and pull dynamic, as the sun is beckoning to "come out and play" and then the follow up explains the reasoning as to why what appears to be my agoraphobia is actually practical and pragmatic choice Thanks again, Angie. I think I may have found my end piece. Or maybe just a new beginning... who knows? I think you're great for doing this though. Much gratitude.and I am editing because I basically said the same thing you did about beckoning--so I'm like, did that just change? Weird. *laughing* But okay. *grins* I was doing this distractedly. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
What a pity...I slept through all of this constructive critique left by you bbp... I'm interested in the negative feedback as well as the positive, so maybe you could try again? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It wasn't that bad. He liked the first few lines but didn't like the Clapton allusion. I think he called it schlock. I'm not sure what schlock means. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ok, Serenity gal, you got me guessing. Are you writing about and extraordinary day or an extra ordinary day? There's quite a difference between the two. Reminds me of the fellow who asked a lady how often she enjoyed making love and she replied infrequently....to which he asked, "Is that one word or two?"  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh. Now there's an original critique. *laughing* But seriously, if he has a genuine opinion as to what did and didn't work for him (her?) I'm interested. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Sheesh, Mike. You slipped in there on me. *chuckling*  I'll leave the interpretation "open".  LMAO |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I'll leave the interpretation "open". “ Blaze, since you are leaving the interpretation open , I think bbp was talking about the two word variety : Just like another day in your neighborhood. That is my genuine opinion . I thought by definition that your opinion had to be genuine. For example if I had the same opinion as bbp, I would still say that my opinion was genuine. Hope this helped. Btw Brad , “ Schlock “ means : “ Of low quality “ |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks for your time, chopsticks. For those of you who just can't get enough of my schlock, I can be found here, on Thinktwice Radio, as a featured author read as part of Marge Merrill's jazz show. http://www.thinktwiceradio.com/screening-room/screening-room.html  |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Karen, enjoyed your poem and loved the way it read and the way it was read. You are something else. Get more envolved.I would love to hear you reading your own work. "late" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you, lovie. I still have yet to hear the final product. I want to thank everybody for sending the links, but I apparently have a corrupt file or something. I dunno. My sister loves it though. She actually called me "superstar". (heh!) She assures me that it is as close as it can come to being me without my own voice actually reading. So I am puzzled, and yes, flattered and bemused. Is this like being "big in Europe"? Karen sells out Budokan? *wide smile* I have absolutely no idea. No plan, yanno? Oh. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, but only because my sister says so, and my physician threatened to disown me if I cancel again. I'm exhausted. I can't fight everybody. Brad just gets special privelages. Nite folks, and love to all with my gratitude. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Your sister is right. It sounded like it was you talking. I of course do no know your voice but the reading made me think it could have been you, and how you would have spoken it. Does that make sense?."late" |
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