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Critical Analysis #2
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Change It
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Change It |
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AniKay83 Member
since 2000-06-28
Posts 388Missing Since 1999 
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I'm sick of this place. I don't get enough change for all I've paid. So, what am I still doing here? Don't make it hurt. Take your hand away. There's all touching, but no kissing. And I feel ashamed... I bagged up my heart. Plastic-wrapped emotion. Tomorrow's trash to be taken out by 'have-a-nice-day' handles. Take it away. Take it all away. I haven't seen you in a few days. Will I give in again? Had we met differently, would we feel differently? Our was our bond born bad? Too bad... *** It's been a while since I've been to Passion's and I rarely post in CA, but I don't feel this piece isn't all it should be. There's a choppiness to it I can't seem to fix. I'd really like some suggestions!! Thanks!*** ~Chrissy "No one has ever loved ~anyone~ the way ~everyone~ wants to be loved" ~Mignon McLaughlin~ [This message has been edited by AniKay83 (03-29-2002 12:56 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Christine Straka - All Rights Reserved | |||
NapalmsConstantlyConfused
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529 |
i don't know, i liked the choppiness, it seemed to suit your take on the subject fairly well... i personally would leave this one alone, but that could just be me... -Dave |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada |
I agree... who said all poems have to be smooth and rhyming? I think the choppiness in your poem reflects some kind of premitive conflicts that are going on from the inside of a poet when feelings are being poured onto a piece of paper. Just keep writing... |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi AniKay, I really like this. It's honest and heartfelt, and some of the imagery is quite original. Still, I think it could be improved a little. Some parts do seem a bit awkward to me, like "have-a-nice-day handles". I'm not sure what you mean here. It's interesting, but I can't see it right now. Also, something bothers me about "bond born bad". Maybe it seems less sincere and more contrived compared to the rest of the poem. And perhaps you could tell us more about this relationship and/or person, maybe by lengthening it. Give us a few more hints to deepen the emotion we feel reading this and allow us to make comparisons to our own lives. This is neat, anyhow. Hope I've given you some potential ideas, Ashley [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (04-22-2002 03:48 PM).] |
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