My shirt-tails like to stay tucked

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Streen
Member

since 2001-11-28

Posts 169

0 posted 2002-02-22 08:20 PM

Editted version:

Button by button, she draws back the
undone folds of my shirt.
And as one hand traces my exposed psyche,
the other continues its downward descent.
Stiffly I, in her gaze, gather muscles taut,
inhaling sharply each ragged and
unsure breath, still holding in.
Normally,
my shirttails like to stay tucked
well into my belted pants (the metal prong
pushed through till it goes no more
buckling me up tightly).
I prefer my Oxford buttons buttoned up to
the collar, the cufflinks on my sleeve
in a well-formed scheme
about my wrists.
Defiantly this woman takes advantage of
my heart's allowances
for her heart's desires of knowing me. But
she is unwrapping layers formed
by visceral anima-
her impetuous fingers, delicately deft,
sliding each button through its slot
as a little bit more of me is revealed
by every second.
It is an unsure experience, for my clothing
has never before been undone,
and never have I--

As the palms of her hand become a bit
more acquainted with the troughs and crests
of my form, I loosen my hold from her,
gently exhaling.
Somehow, from her comforting hands,
I can gently relate narratives the story
of her own belly and what's inside her shirt,
and it's a wonderful experience.
And so I let her see me all,
in hopes of knowing her later.
Right now she's a little bit below my navel;
one day she might even untuck my shirt.

1st Version:

My shirt-tails like to stay tucked far into my pants.
I prefer my Oxford buttons buttoned up to
the collar, and my zipper zipped up to my leather
belt.
And its tongue is pushed through
and through till the metal prong pushes
through the ninth little slot (as far as it goes),
buckling
me up tight. (or with sweat pants, my strings kept
firm)
And my coat jacket knows it's supposed to be
strapped as firm around me as can be,
just as my book bag's straps are jacketed up
so they fit quite tight harnessed surrounding me.
I keep my doors locked, even sitting in a car,
even while driving through modest villages,
from here to afar.
The loops of my shoes are always kept tight,
a perfect bow right on top,as my neckties are kept
tied,
as myself is, too.
Myself I like to keep tucked from all the world
like my shirt in my trousers I like to keep hidden,
my coat's straps keeping me warm to myself.
There is one, however, that I've allowed
to start unbottoning my shirt button by button;
after she unstrapped my coat and shared in my
warmth,
adding a little bit of her own.
Right now she's a little bit below my navel;
one day she might even untuck my tails.

-----------------

My concerns:

1. I think the transition is too dang-gone awkward. (Quite frankly I think its horrid) Does anyone have any suggestions?

2. I think that a bit of the simplicity of this poem is its strong point, but that maybe some of it is also its weak point. Does anyone agree? Any suggestions on how to fix these things to attain a good balance?

3. Other than that, any other comments or whatnots would be very much appreciated.

-Derek

--------------

I took alot of your suggestions into consideration, and found that I really liked them.

Thank you. Hm, I think that this version is an improvement, but I'm sure it could still use some work. Does anyone have any more suggestions?

[This message has been edited by Streen (02-23-2002 10:07 PM).]

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

1 posted 2002-02-23 02:52 AM

streen--

i like the first part of this, you have the beginnings of a very nice poem here.

some suggestions?

streamline the opening section... drop the sweatpants (figure of speech there, haha, don't ACTUALLY drop them if you're wearing them); no need to go into different possible outfits.  i'd lose the car door stuff, too; keep it personal with clothing.  perhaps cut down on some of the (many) clothing items as well, such as the backpack or maybe even the coat; the reader will still get the idea.

the lines "as myself is, too. / Myself I like to keep tucked from all the world / like my shirt in my trousers I like to keep hidden, / my coat's straps keeping me warm to myself" are not necessary at all; give your readers some credit, we get the point from what has come before.

the transition doesn't have to be tough; insert a stanza or section break, and just say:  "She unbuttons my shirt..." or whatever.

alternatively, another approach might be to take the action of the second part (the unbuttoning) right up to the start; that's the important thing anyway, right?  get it out there right away, and in the process of showing the reader why this unbuttoning is interesting or important, weave in the speaker's previous or usual buttoned-down and tucked-in state.

in either event, i'd spend a little time, at least, showing us what it all means to the speaker, what it really feels like for this person to be literally and metaphorically undressed.  try something big just for the fun of it, some really cool image, short and sweet but very vivid.  simplicity is great (and i agree, that's what gives the piece a nice tone), but i don't think you can be simple about whatever the speaker feels without some kind of stunning image to really capture it.  this part (what the unbuttoning means to the speaker) is what will carry the poem (the rest is mere description, the setting of a scene or establishing a character), and the few lines you have now just don't do it.

your last line is great, i'd definitely try to keep that no matter what, lol.

all just suggestions, of course, stuff for you to think about.  take your time on any revision you decide to do; with some work, you'll have a good piece here.

good luck, and thanks for a good read.

jenni

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

2 posted 2002-02-26 06:51 PM

i like both as individual poems, one of my favorites:
this is an unsure experienc, for my clothing
it has never before been undone
and never have i-
i like the simplicity and innocence of this poem, someday she may even get to untuck my tails, the childishness is endearing, they are both very good
~Me

"the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound"
*Barenaked Ladies
'Toniht is the night i fell asleep at the wheel

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2002-03-24 05:39 PM

This is fun. A little overwritten in spots but it didn't slow me down that much.

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

4 posted 2002-04-21 04:08 PM

Hello,

I think the newer version is much better. It's kind of sweet and I like it for the most part, especially the idea of being totally "seen", physically and emotionally. Maybe this would be more powerful if you didn't come out and make the parallel for us? I think we would still get it. I'm just not sure what you're going for here: humour? tension? awkwardness? confession? I think you need to decide and revise accordingly. Right now, I'm not sure how you want your readers to feel. I feel a little all over the place.

There are still some awkward parts (to my mind), like "Stiffly I, in her gaze..." I also think you should decide whether you want full sentences or not and go with one or the other. Some lines seem a little too long, IMHO. Just tell us what you mean and move on to the next idea. It would seem more real and more like it is happening as we read if you chose more everyday-sounding lines, instead of occassionally waxing poetic.

I know that sounded more negative than positive, but I do think there is something here, it just needs a bit more work so we will get what you want us to get out of it.

Ashley

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